The Life and Times of James Patterson

[Roxie !]

Yeaaah. This is completely random, and probably only funny to those of you who have read Maximum Ride. AND it was meant to be one chapter, but it's gettin' kinda long so Im breaking it up into a few parts.

Prologue



"Great." James Patterson smiled to himself. "I've got the next Maximum Ride novel all planned out. Not-so-subtle hints about global warming, evil dictators, and lots of Fax angst that leads absolutely nowhere!" He gave a short nod as he signed off of his computer. "Now all I need is a title..."His gaze swept the room in search of some form of inspiration. Suddenly, he spotted a book he'd gotten for Christmas the previous year. It was one of his favorites, and had totally helped him drop fifeteen pounds like a hot chocolate chip cookie. Cookies...mmm... His mind drifted, but he snapped back abruptly. Back to the book. It was titled 'Water Wings: Your Guide to Aquatic Exercise'. Perfect! Scribbling 'Water Wings' on a nearby sticky note, he leaned back in his chair.

"Now I can have a little fun." James muttered to himself. "...Fan-mail time!" Eagerly, the author grabbed the nearest envelope with a flourish. Ripping it open, he began to read.

Dear Mr. Patterson,

What in the world has driven you to torture your readers as you do? Are you some sort of serial killer? Does our pain amuse you?...It's because we're Jewish, isn't it? Is that what this is about? Discrimination? Well, for your information, we're not Jewish. So stick that in your juice box and suck it! Max and Fang had better get together in your next 'environmentally friendly' edition to the Maximum Ride series(in which you kill a good many trees with all that paper), or we will...we will throw our cell phones at you. There, we said it. Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,
Two VERY angry fans

James frowned down at the letter, his eyes slowly widening with fear as he finished. Cell phones? Wasn't there some sort of law against that? Appalled, he set down the letter, as if afraid it would explode at any moment, and stood up. "I can't stay here any longer, Fuzzy McSmiles." He informed his Pomeranian. "The danger is too great. I must go into hiding immediately. I cannot tell you where, my friend, for that would comprimise your safety. Farewell." With that, he tossed the dog a doggy biscuit, and made to leave.

"Wait! I never said thank you." Barked Fuzzy, staring down at the biscuit and then back up at his owner.

James looked back over his shoulder. "And you'll never have to." The climatic musical score swelled as the author randomly jumped out of a nearby window. With a loud CRASH, the yowling of a cat, he was gone.



------

"Thanks for letting me stay here, you guys." James said to the Erin Hunters(and I'm absolutely too lazy to look up their names).

"Any time," Erin #1 said, kicking a few of her cats out of the way. "But you're going to have to stay in the attic and dress in Abercrombie. That way if anyone finds you, you can pretend to be a mannequin."

James nodded. "That's alright. I can start a diary!" He said optimistically.

Erin #2 tilted her head. "You aren't going to continue with Maximum Ride?" She asked curiously.

James shook his head, supressing a shudder. "Too soon." He murmured.

Vicky the Editor shrugged. "Okay. Less competition."

James didn't seem to be paying any attention. In fact, he was already half-way up the attic stairs, picking his way through the mass of cats that sat on them. Too late to go back now. This was his new home.
------

It had been two weeks since James had arrived, and he was feeling utterly alone. If only he had someone to talk to, things would be a bit more bearable."On my own!" he sang along with his Les Miserables sountrack "Pretending he's beside me!" When this failed to entertain him, the author sighed and looked around. There were a few scattered items of no real interest, including a baby triceratops, a wiccan ritual book, and a few priceless gems. But then...then he spotted something that made him utter a gasp.

On the other side of the cramped attic hung a over-sized, furry, zebra-striped coat. James stared at it for a moment, his eyes watering. "It's...it's beautiful..." He whispered, wandering over and trying the coat on. "Jimbo likes!" It was then that a voice sounded behind him, causing him to jump about five feet in the air and whip around.

"Girlfriend, please!"

[le Dawnz]

-dies laughing- The cellphones, and us, and the dinosaur, and Erins and Anne, and then Fang, and... -dies again-

[le Dawnz]

MORE!! -growls with anticipation- NOW!!

[Roxie !]

Okay, okay! This part was gonna be longer than this, but oh well

Part 1

"H-Hello?" James called tentatively into the shadows. Silence was his only reply, and for a moment, he thought that perhaps he'd imagined the strange call. But then, it came again:

"Stripes, with your figure? Honey, no one's been able to pull that off since Elvis."

There it was! That strange, somehow familiar voice. James decided to raise his defences before things went too far. Dropping the coat to the ground, he glared into the dusty darkness. "I'll have you know," He stated indignantly. "I have all of Elvis's records, and he...he did NOT wear stripes!"

"I always thought those were spots?" Another, different voice spoke this time; and a more feminine one at that.

Unable to take any more of this, James stepped forward and squinted so that he could see his visitors clearly. Standing before him were two kids that looked to be about fourteen. One was a boy with oddly David Bowie-esque hair and gold hoop earings, while the other was a blonde girl who looked vaguely dazed.

"Who are you?!" James demanded sharply, his gaze flickering between them.

The boy raised his perfectly waxed eyebrows. "You don't know us? Huh. Ironic."

"Yeah! Ironic!" The blonde echoed smugly, before glancing unsurely at her companion. "Uh, Fang, what does that even mean?"

James blinked. "Wait, Fang?"

Fang paused, ignoring the author. "It's like..." He mused. "Like when Iggy insisted that Tom Cruise was gay, and yet his gaydar never detected me." he explained as the blonde continued to stare at him blankly.

"IGGY?" yelped James, causing both teens to turn and stare at them. "What is this? Are you two some sort of crazed fans--"

"I'MNOTCRAZY!" The blonde snarled suddenly. In her anger, two enormous brown and white wings unfolded behind her in a snap. James stumbled backward in shock. Fang had unfolded his wings as well, revealing them to be a stunningly bright shade of pink.

"You're real?!" James gasped, his eyes fixed on the flamingo-like wings. "But how...?"

"You can bet those last-season shoes we are." Fang interrupted, distainfully looking James up and down.

The author's eyes flickered to the blonde girl. "So that must make you--"

"Max." She confirmed. "M-A-C-K-S. Get the picture?"

"Uh, Max--" Fang began, before he was cut off by a loud screech.

"I'm going insane!" Wailed James. "It's all of this isolation! You...you can't be real...I created you!"

"That's the thing." Another figure stepped out of the shadows. This time it was a tiny girl who looked to be around six or seven, her face smothered in an absurd amount of make-up. James blinked at her for a few moments.

"Angel?" He asked incredulously.

"Don't call me that." Angel hissed through gritted teeth. "It's Black Rose now. And see, we've come to sort a few things out."

"We've noticed you wrote a few books about us." Fang explained, his eyes narrowing. "With tacky dark covers, not to mention."

James took a pace back, trembling slightly."I'm sorry! I didn't know any of you existed, I swear! I--I've never broken any copyright laws, Ive only had four driving tickets, and--"

"That's not the problem." Another unfamiliar voice sounded from behind Max. A moment later, a siamese cat padded out from it's position under an old nightstand.

James blinked. He knew the Erins liked cats, but this was getting rediculous! "Who are you?" He asked. The fact that the cat could speak didn't seem to surprise him much...he doubted that after this experience, nothing ever could again.

"I'm Total," The cat said, "And you've gotten a few of the facts wrong."