I'll strall ya

[Roxie !]

xDDDD Yeah. Didnt take us long to come up with another crazy story. Me and my two friends, the ones who wrote Hypergirl and Blondie, wrote our own musical(well, not exactly, we ripped off/spoofed a lot of songs from others xD) spoofing the movie 'Australia', and turning it into a musical. It's utter madness. So, here we go.

I'LL STRALL YA

SCENE 1

(Camera pans over beautiful Australian outback.

NULLAH, A LITTLE ABORIGINAL KID:(voiceover) I belong no one. I no whitefella. I no blackfella either. I--

LORD ASHLEY, COOL GUY: That's nice, kid. Now shut up and let a MAN tell the story.

(Camera settles on LORD ASHLEY, surrounded by various Aboriginal anklebiters)

NULLAH: "Man"? Lord ASHLEY?! Your name plenty gay.

LORD ASHLEY: Look, son, I don't know what the heck you're talking about. What I do know, is that I have a grand and magical tale to tell yinz.

ABORIGINAL KID #1: This story have songs?

ABORIGINAL KID #2: And violence?

LORD ASHLEY: Ah, yes. (pulling out banjo) But, let's start from the beginning.

YOU KNOW AFRICA, ASIA, EUROPE, ANTARTICA.
NORTH AMERICA, SOUTH AMERICA, CENTRAL AMERICA,
.....RUSSIA.
BUT DO YOU RECALL
THE MOST FAMOUS CONTINENT OF ALL?
(begins rapping)
FROM THE "AUS" to the "TRAL" to the L-I-A--

(A gunshot is heard, and LORD ASHLEY dramatically falls to the ground, dead)

NULLAH:...Alright, which one of you jokers did that?

(KING GEORGE, the witchdoctor grandfather of NULLAH, appears out of nowhere in his classic "four" pose.)

KING GEORGE: Hoo, sbobaksihs.
(Ooh, shishkabobs)
(HE sticks spear in the already dead LORD ASHLEY. FLETCHER, a sleazy guy who Im pretty sure also plays Lupin in Harry Potter, but is unfortunately the villain of this story, jumps down from a tree, pointing a shotgun at KING GEORGE.)

FLETCHER: Murderer!

KING GEORGE: Tahw? On! On!! OOOOOOON!

(Blackout)



SCENE 2-Back in England

(SETTING-Beautiful field, castle beyond, butterflies in the air. Enter LADY SARAH ASHLEY, wife of LORD ASHLEY, in all her...lovliness. She's carrying a pink parasol.)

SARAH:

LITTLE TOWN
IT'S A QUIET VILLAGE.
EVERYDAY LIKE THE ONE BEFORE.
LITTLE TOWN, FULL OF LITTLE PEOPLE,
WAKING UP TO SAY...

NAMELESS BRITISH GUY: 'Ello, govnah.

SARAH: Oh, hello Louise!

LOUISE: I've told you a million times, Lady Ashley, it's pronounced "Lewis", not "Luh-weez".

SARAH: Whatever. Did you come over here just to bitch, or do you have something important to tell me?

LOUISE: Well, actually, I have some bad news. It concerns your husband.

SARAH: Ah, yes. Actually, I was just going to Australia to pay him a little visit at his CATTLE STATION(note the fancy Australian way of saying ranch, showing that this must be COMPLETELY legit). Word is, he's been cheating on me with some cows.

LOUISE: You mean, of the human variety?

SARAH:...No. Why?

LOUISE: The thing is, your husband is d--

SARAH:Luh-weez, I don't have time for this. My biplane leaves in an hour, so, you know. Toodles!

LOUISE:

AND FOR ONCE, IT MIGHT BE GRAND
IF I COULD MAKE 'EM UNDERSTAND,
I WANT SO MUCH MORE THAN THEY'VE GOT PLANNED...

[le Dawnz]

Ah! It's Rudolph the Red Nose Reindeer and Belle!

[Roxie !]

xD Correct! Im just kinda typing this up at random intervals, since I only have the story with me on certain days.

SCENE 3- EL AEROPUERTO

SARAH: (tossing her bags to the travel agent) Here we are.

TRAVEL AGENT: Uh...ma'am, is this all your stuff?

SARAH: Of COURSE not. (SHE tosses extremely large, over-stuffed, sat-on-to-close-the-zipper suitcases to TRAVEL AGENT, who is crushed by them) That's all of it.

TRAVEL AGENT: Right-o!

(SARAH steps into the back of her biplane and gazes out.)

SARAH: What beautiful scenery!

TRAVEL AGENT: Erm, Ms. Ashley, those are thieves stealing a painting.

SARAH: It's MRS Ashley, thank you.

TRAVEL AGENT: (stage whisper) Not anymore...

SARAH: Pardon?

TRAVEL AGENT: Nothing. Shall we set off?

(The biplane "moves". Really, it's just theatre magic of a painting of a map being pulled by stage crew, and the TRAVEL AGENT making sound effects. SARAH gazes out into the open sky as music crescendos. After awhile, SHE whips out her typewriter and begins instant-messaging((xD)) on it. Thus, we go into our next musical number, "The Telegraph song". 'LORD ASHLEY's'(actually, his screen name impersonated by FLETCHER) words are sung aloud by an offstage voice, while SARAH sings her own.)

"LORD ASHLEY":

Oh, lady, you're so fine. STOP!
You're so fine, you blow my mind! STOP!
Hey lady. STOP! Hey Lady! STOP!

SARAH:

Oh, sir. STOP!
I come to 'Stralia on Sunday. STOP!
'Stralia on Sunday. STOP!

"LORD ASHLEY":

No, ma'am, no! STOP!
Don't come now! STOP!
I'm deff not dead! STOP!
Nor sleeping with a cow! STOP!

SARAH:

I've come anyway! STOP!
I'm already on the plane! STOP!
You're NOT sleeping with cows? STOP!
If I only had a brain! STOP!

"LORD ASHLEY":

I'll steal you...Nico-ole! STOP!
I'll steal you! STOP!
Do they think that wings can hide you? STOP!
Even now I'm in your airplane! STOP!
I am in the seat beside you! STOP!
BURIED SWEETLY IN YOUR YELLOW HAIR! STOP!
NICO-OLE! STOP!

SARAH:

Nicole?
Is that one of your cows?
I bet she's ugly!
With...CRAZY EYEBROWS! STOP! STOP! STOP!

"LORD ASHLEY": Erm, myfriendtheDrover'llpickyouupgottagobyeSTOP!

SCENE 4- THE BAR

(SARAH steps off the plane, carrying a small parasol. SHE looks around the small Australian town with disdain as the TRAVEL AGENT unloads her luggage. From an above building, a CREEPER watches her through his binoculars. This is KING CARNEY, FLETCHER's boss and owner of most of the cattle in AUSTRALIA. Oops, that wasn't supposed to be capitalized. All of the cattle, that is, except for those on SARAH's land--Faraway Downs.)

CARNEY: Day-um!

PARROT: Brak! Polly's got a nice body! Brak!

CARNEY: I prefer Ambrosia. But no matter, she won't last a minute out here in the outback. Faraway Downs will soon belong to me.

PARROT: How do you know?

CARNEY: She's heading into that bar. I know a lightweight when I see one.

(Down below, SARAH sets down her suitcases outside and heads into the bar)

SARAH: Mistah Drovah? Mistah Drovah? Where...oh my.

AUSTRALIAN BLOKES:

Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho,
An Aussie's life for me!
We live for sun
And air and beer
And women, totally!

But not the blondes,
We hate the blondes,
Especially ones like she!
(THEY point to SARAH)

SARAH: Hello, I was wondering--

BLOKES:

Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho
An Aussie's life for me!
We live for 'roos
And crocodile shoes
And Eucalyptus tea!
And when we see a koala bear,
We shoot on the count of three!
Yo-Ho, Yo-Ho,
An Aussie's life for me!

SARAH: EXCUSE ME! Where is Mistah Drovah?

BLOKE #1: Oh, he's outside. But I wouldn't go out there if I was you, mate.

SARAH: If I wanted advise from a bunch of barbarians, I would have gone to Russia instead.

RUSSIAN: VHY IS DIS STORY AGAINST MY PEOPLE?!

(SARAH heads outside, and is surprised to see a large group of people.)

SARAH: Mistah Drovah?

BLOKE #2: Dude. Where do you expect to get yelling "Drover" in Australia? It's like yelling "mom" in a mall.

SARAH: But I'm looking for THE Drover.

BLOKE #2: Oh, well he's...he's over there.

(SARAH looks around to see two men facing off in the center of the crowd.)

DROVER: Bitch, pick up my lip gloss!

BLOKE #3: Puh-lease. You pick it up!

(SARAH notices a cherry lip gloss on the ground.)

SARAH: Mistah Drovah!

(SHE is ignored. Pwnt. THE DROVER has had it, however. He picks up one of SARAH'S conveniently placed suitcases and hits BLOKE #3 with it. BLOKE #3, outraged, picks up the largest and hurls it at DROVER, who ducks. Suitcase hits BLOKE #4. Hell breaks loose.)

SARAH: No! Stop! Those are mine!

(Suddenly, SARAH'S suitcases fly open, and what Miss Congeniality's Cheryl's mom would call "Satan's Panties" fly out, raining down.)

SARAH: NO! STOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOP!

(...No one stops)

SARAH: Hmph! (SHE then brightens, having an idea. SHE walks over to the middle of the fight.) Beeend-- (SHE bends at the waist and reaches for the lip gloss) AND--(grabbing lip gloss) SNAP!! (SHE snaps up violently, hitting DROVER in the nose)

DROVER: YEE-OW! Oi, Sheila!

SARAH: Hello, Mistah Drovah. I'm Lady Sarah Ashley.

DROVER: (Gulps, and looks from SARAH to her luggage) Then those are...?

SARAH: (glowers) Yes.

DROVER: Heh...Welcome to Australia!

[le Dawnz]

Haha, wow. That's all I gotta say. Wow. Soooooooo randomly funny! I especially love this line:

Dude. Where do you expect to get yelling "Drover" in Australia? It's like yelling "mom" in a mall.

[{ tessa }]

ROTFLMAO!!!! This is great. You need to post more. Was the Polly/Ambrosia thing a May reference? Just curious XD. And the Satans panties thing was the best,

And this inspired me to make my character australian. lol.

[Roxie !]

Yeah it was. xDDDD. That was Jimmy's doing. I had to stop him from putting some sort of "Nice gams" line in there ^^. And I'm glad I inspired you!! Australians rock. But I FINALLY found that sound from the Australia credits:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=LH-ocxMzN14

Tis pretty =)

[Roxie !]

-ahem- I'd like to make it very clear that Nicole Kidman is awesome, and we meant no offence to her by writing the song in the following scene(which, by the way, is to the tune of Waltzing Matilda, an AUSTRALIAN folk song. Yay!). We're just kind of spoofing what people are saying about her, and the "When did it become cool to hate Nicole?!!" campaign.

ALSO, Did you guys know that in Happy Feet, Nicole Kidman and Hugh Jackman played Mumble's parents, Norma Jean and Memphis? How weird is that?? They were lovers in that movie too xDDD.

SCENE 5-ROAD TRIP!

(In the DROVER’S jeep, DROVER, SARAH, and an old, fat, mustached guy named FLYNN, who I guess is the manager of sorts of Faraway Downs, are all cramped together…along with DROVER’S dingo lookin‘ dog, JENNA. FLYNN snores loudly, DROVER taps a beat on the steering wheel, and SARAH looks rather grumpy. SHE is wearing some ridiculously huge glasses, presumably to help with carsickness.)

SARAH: (whining) It’s so cramped in here! Between the dingo and Chubbo here, I can hardly breathe.

DROVER: Well maybe we’d have a little more room if you took off those glasses.

SARAH: Maybe we’d have some more room if your ego deflated.

DROVER: You know what? We can fight. Right now. I--

(BOOM! Two ABORIGINAL CREEPERS have jumped on the car roof)

SARAH: GODZILLA!

DROVER: Oh my god. I hate blondes.

(SARAH has, by now, forgotten about the ABORIGINALS. She looks out the window and quickly become excited.)

SARAH: Oh! Oh my goodness! Kangaroos! Look! Do you see them? Oh! Oh my goodness! Kangaroos! Look! Do you see them? Oh! Oh my goodness! Kangaroos! Look! Do you see them? Oh! Oh my--

DROVER: Know what? (Shoots down kangaroo.) Stop it.

(Silence falls. SARAH pouts. DROVER determinedly keeps his eyes on the road.)

SARAH: Well, can we at least enjoy some road tunes?

ABORIGINALS: Yea-yuh! Let’s hear some jams!

(FLYNN suddenly jolts awake.)

FLYNN: As it happens, I know an excellent folksong from my childhood.

Once there was an actress
Who snuck into Hollywood
Under the mask of an Oscar nominee.
And she sang as she sat
And waited for a contract,
Who’ll come and ruin my movies with me?

Box office poison, box office poison
Who’ll come and ruin my movies with me?
And she sang as she sat
And waited for a contract
Who’ll come and ruin my movies with me?

SARAH: This song…it stirs something within my memory.
DROVER: Let me try!

Down came Hugh Jackman
To get into Hollywood.
Up jumped the actress and grabbed him with glee
And she sang as she stuffed Hugh Jackman in her handbag
You’ll come and ruin my movies with me!

Box office poison, box office poison!
You’ll come and ruin my movies with me!
And she sang as she stuffed Hugh Jackman in her handbag,
You’ll come and ruin my movies with me!

SARAH: It’s…it’s like a fairytale. Or a dream…

Up came Baz Luhrmann
Mounted on a Wallaby
Up came the critics, one, two, three!
Where’s that Hugh Jackman you’ve got in your handbag?
You’ll come and ruin this movie for me!

Well, up leapt the actress
And jumped out the window
“You’ll never catch me alive!” said She
And her ghost may be heard
If you’re passing through Hollywood
“Who’ll come and ruin my movies with me?”

DROVER: HO-LEE SH--

(The jeep screeches to a halt)

SARAH: Whoa, Drovah.

DROVER: Drov-ER.

SARAH: Drovah.

DROVER: Drover.

SARAH: Drovah.

DROVER: Drover.

SARAH: Drover.

DROVER: Drovah. …Wait!

FLYNN: DUMBLEDORE!

(SARAH and DROVER stop, and focus on the reason why the jeep stopped in the first place. A large wild horse is fuh-lippin‘ in front of the jeep.)

DROVER: For once, do as you’re told, and STAY HERE.

SARAH: Fine. Geez.

(DROVER scowls and goes to calm the horse. In the background, a small aboriginal boy runs from backstage and into a water tank.)[/]

SARAH: (gasping with sudden realization) WE’RE HERE!

(Blatantly disregarding DROVER’S orders, she steps out of the Jeep and scurries up to the house.)

DROVER: Lady Ashley? LADY ASHLEY! Don’t! Argh.

(SARAH walks into the little cabin thing and sees a dead LORD ASHLEY on the table.)

SARAH: shit. (Faints.)


SCENE 6-DEPRESSION


SARAH: This is a story about love. The man I love is…

(Dramatic pause)

SARAH: Dead!

DROVER: God, I hate that movie.

SARAH: But I don’t understand. Who killed him? And how long has he been laying on this table?

DROVER: We’re not really sure about either of those questions. But word in the whorehouse is that King George murdered him.

(Enter DAISY, NULLAH’S mother.)

DAISY: “Word in the whorehouse”? What kind of expression is that?

DROVER:…It wasn’t an expression.

SARAH: Okay, well. I guess I should cry or something.

(NULLAH has somehow Mission Impossible’d it from the water tower to under the stairs.)

NULLAH:(chanting mysteriously)

MANGO.
MANGOOOOOOOO.
MANGOOOOOOOOOO.

SARAH: Buh-na-nuh. What is that?

DROVER: Uh, probably the dingoes. It’s mating season, you know.

(NULLAH pops up)

DROVER: Or not.
SARAH: Oh! What a cute little monkey!

NULLAH: I’ll sing you to me, Mrs. Boss!

SARAH: (Looking at DROVER) I think he’s talking to you.

(NULLAH takes no notice.)

NULLAH: Mrs. Boss, my grandfather say you gonna save Faraway Downs!

SARAH: Kid, I hate to break it to you, but now that my husband’s dead, I’ve gotta sell the place. It was one of those extravagant wedding gifts that no one really wants.

DROVER: You’re awful quick to give away all of your husband’s possessions.

SARAH: No, I’m keeping the cats.

(DAISY comes back in.)

DAISY: Nullah! What have I told you about talking to strange blondes?

NULLAH: I am a strange blonde, mother. Sort of.

DAISY: Well get back in the water tower. Fletcher’s a-comin!

NULLAH & DROVER: FLETCHER?!

SARAH: I’m lost.

(Orchestra plays the “Wicked Witch on the Bicycle Theme” from “The Wizard of Oz” as FLETCHER drives up. NULLAH drops into the water tower just as FLETCHER steps out of the rusty pick up truck.)

FLETCHER: G’day, Lady Ashley. How are ya?

SARAH: My husband is dead, Mistah Fletchah.

FLETCHER: Well fair dinkam. I had NOTHING to do with that. Let’s have a spontaneous funeral without explaining his death!

SARAH: Mmkay!

(THEY exit for scene change)

SCENE 7- PUTTING THE “FUN” IN FUNERAL

SARAH: (Kneeling at a grave, her parasol matching her black dress, of course.)

NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED.
NO ONE CRIES “THEY WON’T RETURN”.
NO ONE LAYS A LILY ON THEIR GRAVE…

(Sniffling) She preferred dandelions anyway.

(SARAH steps away, and we see a large gravestone reading “SATINE”. Personality disorder much?)

FLETCHER: Shall we begin?
SARAH: (Straightening her dress) Yes, of course. Lord Ashley (pause) was a rolling river. (Imitating a river with arms and wiggling fingers.) He was always flowing. Though he would occasionally calm enough for me to strip my dressings and wade--

FLETCHER: THAT’S ENOUGH. Ahem. Thank you, Lady Ashley. Now, let’s get to bed. I’ll come around tomorrow to discuss buying this land and the cattle off of you. For a more than satisfactory price, of course.

SARAH: Alright. Goodnight, Mistah Fletchah.

FLETCHER: Night, toots.

(Slow blackout)

[{ tessa }]

OMG!!! I loved that scene in the movie! She was just like "AWWWW!! Kangaroos!!" and the music got all dreamy and then BOOM! lol, it was so mean. I love that song too. And youve GOTTA love Flynn.
I cant wait for the stampede scene

[Roxie !]

And youve GOTTA love Flynn.
I cant wait for the stampede scene

Omg what?! xDDDDDD. I can't believe this. If you enjoy seeing the people you LOVE being trampled to death by hundreds of cows, I'd hate to see what happens to people you hate! xD But we've got somethin' extra special planned for that scene. Just wait.