Post by Roxie ! on Dec 21, 2007 16:57:47 GMT -5
Okay, first off, sorry I haven't updated my Legally Canadian story in awhile...I'll get to it. But it's mostly because I just randomly decided to type up this other thing one day, and it turned out to be soooo stupid xD. Maybe even crazier than 'Legally Canadian', too. But you know what? If it puts a smile on your face, who cares xD. And it was fun to write. So hah.
Um...I'm not really sure WHAT it is. It started off as a LOST parody of 'A Tale of Two Cities', but got sooo crazy and stupid and out of character that it barely even resembles the show in any way anymore xD. Oh well.
A Tale of Two Spazzes--By Yours Truely
3 Months ago….
It was quiet. TOO quiet. Actually, no, it was a rather enjoyable silence. And as with all enjoyable silence…s, someone always has to awkwardly break them. This job is usually appointed to the nearest blonde.
Sure enough, some lady that we’ve never seen before on this show…let’s call her…Juliet, wild guess. Anyway, Juliet flipped through her CDs, growing more and more frustrated.
“GOD. None of these are shiny enough to see my reflection in!” She yelled in rage. Finally, she came to the last CD in the pile. A very shiny CD. With a squeal of delight, she began jumping up and down, but accidentally dropped it in the open CD player, which snapped shut automatically.
“NOOOO!” Juliet sobbed, oblivious of the ‘eject’ button. A song began to play in the background, but she took no notice. The one CD, the only means of seeing her reflection…was gone. Whimpering, she stumbled over to the mirror, collapsed against it, and wiped her eyes. It was a terrible loss…but she’d have to go on with her day.
She scurried off into the kitchen and attempted to cook some muffins for no apparent reason. Squinting at the box of DHARMA brand muffin mix, she tilted her head slightly. “Pssh, I can’t read this.” Juliet scoffed finally. “I’ll just have to improvise.”
Wandering over to the oven, she pushed the timer button until it had reached five hours.
FIVE HOURS LATER
“What gives? It smells like smoke!” Juliet yelled angrily. Then, her eyes suddenly widened. “OH NOES! THE MUFFINSH!” But it was too late. Even as she scampered over to the oven once again, pulling the muffins out with her bare hand blonde-ishly, it was only to drop them with an exclamation of pain. The muffins were so burnt that they cracked in half on the floor.
“Well, this is POINTLESS!” Yelled some random old woman. “Could we PLEASE get on with the plot?”
“Um, okay,” Adam The Jerk said. “Juliet, this book is stupid. Why’d you make us read it?” He held up a copy of ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You see?’ “I mean, who picks that?”
Juliet stood up, eyes blazing fiercely. “Well, Adam The Jerk, I’m the host and I DO pick the book. And this happens to be my favorite book, so I am THRILLED that you can’t stand it! I mean, god! It taught me my colors!”
“I’m going to paper-cut you!” Yelled Adam The Jerk, to Juliet’s distress.
Just as she was about to break down into tears…they were saved! Deux ex machina! The whole place began to rumble, and everyone, following their official Others earthquake drill, ran outside! Aren’t they smarticles?
The Others looked around curiously, including Juliet and Ben, better known as Henry. We’ll call him Benry!
Suddenly, a plane went by, broke into thirds, and crashed.
“Well…that was random.” Stated Juliet.
“Yeah. Ethan and Goodwin, you guys run over to the crash site and pretend to be one of the survivors so we can LYKE TOTALLY SPY ON THEM!!” Commanded Benry. Ethan and Goodwin nodded and ran off.
“Benry, how do you know there’ll be survivors?” Asked Juliet.
“Oh, I know,” Benry smirked. He looked down at the Brown Bear book, still in her hands. He raised a creepy looking eyebrow. “I guess I’m out of the book club, then?” Not waiting for an answer, he walked away, leaving a frowning Juliet to wonder when, exactly, she had started a book club.
LOST
PRESENT…Oh no, wait…
FLASHBACK!Much
Jack peered ominously out at the little kiddies running around the playground. Sarah, his ex-wife, came outside giggling flirtatiously with a male teacher. Jack narrowed his eyes and continued his stalkerish behavior.
END OF POINTLESS FLASHBACK!Much
NOW It’s the present…
Jack awoke, blinking stupidly, before he remembered what had happened. The Others had kidnapped them! Sawyer, Kate, and himself, for love-triangle angst, he presumed. But not Hurley. They’d let Hurley go. Hurley ALWAYS got special treatment! It wasn’t fair! It made him want to…want to…
“Wait, where am I?” Jack spoke aloud. He seemed to be in some sort of underground…or underwater chamber. He attempted to open the door, but it was locked. On the far side of the room, he spotted another door, and headed toward it.
BAM! He stumbled backwards and gasped! “It must be some sort of invisible force field!” Jack decided. Tentitively, he reached out to touch…oh wait, it was just a glass wall.
----------
Kate groaned and awoke in some sort of locker room. “WTF?!” She yelled angrily.
“You. Go shower.” Tom appeared out of nowhere.
Kate glared at him. “Why, so you can watch me? You pervert!”
Tom blinked. “No…because you smell really bad.”
Kate huffed, but had no choice but to hop to it.
“Hey, where am I?” Asked Sawyer, peering around the outside cage he was being kept in. There was a button nearby marked ‘FOOD 4 REDNECKZ LOLOLZ’, so he pushed it several times, and was electrocuted.
“Haha, sucker.” Giggled Karl, who had come out of nowhere and was sitting in the opposite cage. Sawyer sighed. Life was hopeless.
Meanwhile, back in the scary room, Jack was still attempting to barge through the glass, but was having no success in walking through it. Suddenly, on the other side, a door opened.
“What an idiot.” Juliet giggled.
Jack screamed in alarm and jumped up on the table, watching her anxiously.
“Hi, Jack,” she continued casually. “I’m Juliet. See?! They gave me a name tag!” She pointed at it proudly, while Jack continued to glare. Juliet frowned.
“Okay…I see how it is.” Whimpering, she backed away to the corner, curled up in a ball, and sobbed.
FLASHBACK!Much
“Okay, let’s do this thing!” Sarah yelled enthusiastically.
Jack frowned. “Sarah, we’re getting divorced. It’s not really cause for joy.”
“Not for you!” She smirked.
Jack’s eyes filled with tears. “But…I fired my lawyer for you!”
Sarah ignored this. A cellphone suddenly rang out. She startled. “Oops, sorry, that’s me,” Flipping it open, she gave an over-excited squeal. “Hello boyfriend who I cheated on my husband with!”
“WHAT?!” Jack yelled. “Who is that dude?!”
Sarah’s eyes narrowed shiftily. “Uh…no one.”
“I’ll give you the car and the house if you tell me.”
“No.”
“…Two pennies and a piece of Bubblicious?”
“No, Jack.”
“But it’s watermelon!”
It was going to be a long day.
End of Flashback!Much
Five minutes later, Juliet had finally come out of her crying fit, and was regarding Jack quietly. He looked at her, as she raised an eyebrow.
“What are you doing?” Asked Jack.
Juliet sighed in exasperation. “I’m TRYING to be mysterious.” She said, as if it were obvious. Personally, Jack didn’t think she was doing a very good job, but he decided to change the subject.
“Where are my friends?” He asked her.
“Come down from that table, and I’ll tell you.” Juliet offered.
“No! I’m scared of you!”
“But there’s glass between us!”
“YOU THINK I’M STUPID?!”
Juliet smiled at him kindly. “I don’t think you’re stew-pid, Jack. I think you’re hot—STUBBORN. I meant stubborn!...Aw shucks”
-----
Six hours later(hey, she’s a girl), Kate had finally finished that shower. She was put in a dress that was so un-Kate it wasn’t even funny, and led outside in handcuffs to be seated across a table on the beach from Benry.
“Hello, Kate,” He said peaceably.
“What is this, some kind of date?! Because I already love two guys, okay?!” She hissed at him. Benry merely eyed her wearily.
“No, Kate. Just for that, you don’t get any coffee.” Magically, coffee appeared on the table. Kate bit her lip to keep from crying at this terrible injustice!
“What did you do with Sawyer and Jack?” She asked randomly.
“Now why Sawyer?” Benry raised an eyebrow. “You said Sawyer first. You like him better! MUHAHAHA!”
Skaters rampaged through the scene, causing Kate and Benry to have to take shelter under the table.
“NO!” Kate yelled over the commotion. “It’s just humanly impossible to say ‘Jack’ and ‘Sawyer’ at the same time! Gawd!”
The chaos instantly stopped.
“Oh,” Said Benry, reverting to his dismal, emotionless state. “Well, in that case, you better enjoy this day on the beach. Cause I’m going to make your life a living hell!
FLASHBACK!Much
“Hey, is this Stalker 411?” Asked Jack. “Yes, I’d like some information on my ex-wife…she’s…oh shit, hold on.” He hid the phone quickly as his father walked into the room.
“No need, son. I’m the one she’s cheating on you with!” Christian said merrily.
“WHAT?!”
“Let it go, Jack. Just let it go.” Christian frowned dramatically, and walked out of the room.
END OF FLASHBACK!Much
Um...I'm not really sure WHAT it is. It started off as a LOST parody of 'A Tale of Two Cities', but got sooo crazy and stupid and out of character that it barely even resembles the show in any way anymore xD. Oh well.
A Tale of Two Spazzes--By Yours Truely
3 Months ago….
It was quiet. TOO quiet. Actually, no, it was a rather enjoyable silence. And as with all enjoyable silence…s, someone always has to awkwardly break them. This job is usually appointed to the nearest blonde.
Sure enough, some lady that we’ve never seen before on this show…let’s call her…Juliet, wild guess. Anyway, Juliet flipped through her CDs, growing more and more frustrated.
“GOD. None of these are shiny enough to see my reflection in!” She yelled in rage. Finally, she came to the last CD in the pile. A very shiny CD. With a squeal of delight, she began jumping up and down, but accidentally dropped it in the open CD player, which snapped shut automatically.
“NOOOO!” Juliet sobbed, oblivious of the ‘eject’ button. A song began to play in the background, but she took no notice. The one CD, the only means of seeing her reflection…was gone. Whimpering, she stumbled over to the mirror, collapsed against it, and wiped her eyes. It was a terrible loss…but she’d have to go on with her day.
She scurried off into the kitchen and attempted to cook some muffins for no apparent reason. Squinting at the box of DHARMA brand muffin mix, she tilted her head slightly. “Pssh, I can’t read this.” Juliet scoffed finally. “I’ll just have to improvise.”
Wandering over to the oven, she pushed the timer button until it had reached five hours.
FIVE HOURS LATER
“What gives? It smells like smoke!” Juliet yelled angrily. Then, her eyes suddenly widened. “OH NOES! THE MUFFINSH!” But it was too late. Even as she scampered over to the oven once again, pulling the muffins out with her bare hand blonde-ishly, it was only to drop them with an exclamation of pain. The muffins were so burnt that they cracked in half on the floor.
“Well, this is POINTLESS!” Yelled some random old woman. “Could we PLEASE get on with the plot?”
“Um, okay,” Adam The Jerk said. “Juliet, this book is stupid. Why’d you make us read it?” He held up a copy of ‘Brown Bear, Brown Bear, What do You see?’ “I mean, who picks that?”
Juliet stood up, eyes blazing fiercely. “Well, Adam The Jerk, I’m the host and I DO pick the book. And this happens to be my favorite book, so I am THRILLED that you can’t stand it! I mean, god! It taught me my colors!”
“I’m going to paper-cut you!” Yelled Adam The Jerk, to Juliet’s distress.
Just as she was about to break down into tears…they were saved! Deux ex machina! The whole place began to rumble, and everyone, following their official Others earthquake drill, ran outside! Aren’t they smarticles?
The Others looked around curiously, including Juliet and Ben, better known as Henry. We’ll call him Benry!
Suddenly, a plane went by, broke into thirds, and crashed.
“Well…that was random.” Stated Juliet.
“Yeah. Ethan and Goodwin, you guys run over to the crash site and pretend to be one of the survivors so we can LYKE TOTALLY SPY ON THEM!!” Commanded Benry. Ethan and Goodwin nodded and ran off.
“Benry, how do you know there’ll be survivors?” Asked Juliet.
“Oh, I know,” Benry smirked. He looked down at the Brown Bear book, still in her hands. He raised a creepy looking eyebrow. “I guess I’m out of the book club, then?” Not waiting for an answer, he walked away, leaving a frowning Juliet to wonder when, exactly, she had started a book club.
LOST
PRESENT…Oh no, wait…
FLASHBACK!Much
Jack peered ominously out at the little kiddies running around the playground. Sarah, his ex-wife, came outside giggling flirtatiously with a male teacher. Jack narrowed his eyes and continued his stalkerish behavior.
END OF POINTLESS FLASHBACK!Much
NOW It’s the present…
Jack awoke, blinking stupidly, before he remembered what had happened. The Others had kidnapped them! Sawyer, Kate, and himself, for love-triangle angst, he presumed. But not Hurley. They’d let Hurley go. Hurley ALWAYS got special treatment! It wasn’t fair! It made him want to…want to…
“Wait, where am I?” Jack spoke aloud. He seemed to be in some sort of underground…or underwater chamber. He attempted to open the door, but it was locked. On the far side of the room, he spotted another door, and headed toward it.
BAM! He stumbled backwards and gasped! “It must be some sort of invisible force field!” Jack decided. Tentitively, he reached out to touch…oh wait, it was just a glass wall.
----------
Kate groaned and awoke in some sort of locker room. “WTF?!” She yelled angrily.
“You. Go shower.” Tom appeared out of nowhere.
Kate glared at him. “Why, so you can watch me? You pervert!”
Tom blinked. “No…because you smell really bad.”
Kate huffed, but had no choice but to hop to it.
“Hey, where am I?” Asked Sawyer, peering around the outside cage he was being kept in. There was a button nearby marked ‘FOOD 4 REDNECKZ LOLOLZ’, so he pushed it several times, and was electrocuted.
“Haha, sucker.” Giggled Karl, who had come out of nowhere and was sitting in the opposite cage. Sawyer sighed. Life was hopeless.
Meanwhile, back in the scary room, Jack was still attempting to barge through the glass, but was having no success in walking through it. Suddenly, on the other side, a door opened.
“What an idiot.” Juliet giggled.
Jack screamed in alarm and jumped up on the table, watching her anxiously.
“Hi, Jack,” she continued casually. “I’m Juliet. See?! They gave me a name tag!” She pointed at it proudly, while Jack continued to glare. Juliet frowned.
“Okay…I see how it is.” Whimpering, she backed away to the corner, curled up in a ball, and sobbed.
FLASHBACK!Much
“Okay, let’s do this thing!” Sarah yelled enthusiastically.
Jack frowned. “Sarah, we’re getting divorced. It’s not really cause for joy.”
“Not for you!” She smirked.
Jack’s eyes filled with tears. “But…I fired my lawyer for you!”
Sarah ignored this. A cellphone suddenly rang out. She startled. “Oops, sorry, that’s me,” Flipping it open, she gave an over-excited squeal. “Hello boyfriend who I cheated on my husband with!”
“WHAT?!” Jack yelled. “Who is that dude?!”
Sarah’s eyes narrowed shiftily. “Uh…no one.”
“I’ll give you the car and the house if you tell me.”
“No.”
“…Two pennies and a piece of Bubblicious?”
“No, Jack.”
“But it’s watermelon!”
It was going to be a long day.
End of Flashback!Much
Five minutes later, Juliet had finally come out of her crying fit, and was regarding Jack quietly. He looked at her, as she raised an eyebrow.
“What are you doing?” Asked Jack.
Juliet sighed in exasperation. “I’m TRYING to be mysterious.” She said, as if it were obvious. Personally, Jack didn’t think she was doing a very good job, but he decided to change the subject.
“Where are my friends?” He asked her.
“Come down from that table, and I’ll tell you.” Juliet offered.
“No! I’m scared of you!”
“But there’s glass between us!”
“YOU THINK I’M STUPID?!”
Juliet smiled at him kindly. “I don’t think you’re stew-pid, Jack. I think you’re hot—STUBBORN. I meant stubborn!...Aw shucks”
-----
Six hours later(hey, she’s a girl), Kate had finally finished that shower. She was put in a dress that was so un-Kate it wasn’t even funny, and led outside in handcuffs to be seated across a table on the beach from Benry.
“Hello, Kate,” He said peaceably.
“What is this, some kind of date?! Because I already love two guys, okay?!” She hissed at him. Benry merely eyed her wearily.
“No, Kate. Just for that, you don’t get any coffee.” Magically, coffee appeared on the table. Kate bit her lip to keep from crying at this terrible injustice!
“What did you do with Sawyer and Jack?” She asked randomly.
“Now why Sawyer?” Benry raised an eyebrow. “You said Sawyer first. You like him better! MUHAHAHA!”
Skaters rampaged through the scene, causing Kate and Benry to have to take shelter under the table.
“NO!” Kate yelled over the commotion. “It’s just humanly impossible to say ‘Jack’ and ‘Sawyer’ at the same time! Gawd!”
The chaos instantly stopped.
“Oh,” Said Benry, reverting to his dismal, emotionless state. “Well, in that case, you better enjoy this day on the beach. Cause I’m going to make your life a living hell!
FLASHBACK!Much
“Hey, is this Stalker 411?” Asked Jack. “Yes, I’d like some information on my ex-wife…she’s…oh shit, hold on.” He hid the phone quickly as his father walked into the room.
“No need, son. I’m the one she’s cheating on you with!” Christian said merrily.
“WHAT?!”
“Let it go, Jack. Just let it go.” Christian frowned dramatically, and walked out of the room.
END OF FLASHBACK!Much
