Okay, I find that reading stuff this long in smallish text gets pretty annoying. So I'll be posting these normally, in this thread.Legally CanadianChapter 1: It Ain't Easy bein' Ditzy.
Rating: PG-13(Profanity, I promise there wont usually be this much, but I had to xD)
Song: Omif*ckingod
Real Song: Omigod You Guys! (funny, especially if you picture it as us)
Notes: Well, here we go...-deep breath-. Oh, and here's some advertising. Watch Legally Blonde: The Musical airing on MTV this Saturday at 7/6 central pm. There. MTV should gimme a cookie.
In an old, dusty Canadian street, all was silent. An old ‘RANDOM’ musical playbill brushed past like a tumbleweed, reminding us of the golden days. Ah, to be young again…
“WTF?” asked the audience. “Get to the story.”
Right. Well, suddenly, the silence was broken. By…a group of SORORITY GIRLS!! RUUUUUUN!
All giggles, they tumbled ditzily(is that even a word?) onto the scene. One was very busy writing a card. Who knew sorority girls knew how to read and write?
“Dear Swiftz,
He’s a lucky guy!
I’m like, gonna cry! I’ve got tears coming out of my nose!” Tessa decided to share with all of us. Lovely.
“Mad props!
He’s the campus catch!
You’re the perfect match!
‘Cause you’ve both got such great tasting—I mean, taste in clothes!” Huh. I guess she had a Dr. Tessamond flashback.
“Of course he will propose!”
Suddenly Lineh popped out of nowhere. “Dear Swifty honey, mazel tov!
Future’s taking off!
Take that ring off and show it to me!”
Roxie pushed her violently out of the way. “Four carets of princess cut. Are you psyched or what?”
“Or what.” Mumbled the audience.
But now all three girls were singing together. “I just wish I could be there to see,
When he gets down on one knee!
OH MY GOD
OMIF*CKINGOD!
Thomas and Swifty are like Nicky and Rod!
Visualize a perfect summer wedding, right up in Cape Cod!
OMIF*CKINGOD!
OH MY GOD!”
You see, these gals appreciate gay marriage. APPRICIATE! Well, who really knows if it’s a gay marriage. Thomas is Torneh’s mommeh, after all.
There was a lot of uncharacteristic squealing and jumping. Tessa ran past with a cellphone. “Omigod Swifty? Omigod Thomas? Omigod Engaged?! Shut up!” Wow…uh…way to be quick on the update, Tess.
This was when Dawnie blasted bossily into her megaphone. Where did she get that?!
“Okay, everybody sign!” She held out the card.
“Good, now fall in line,
And we’ll start the engagement parade!”
Lineh stoled-ed the spotlight. “Light candles and single file, don’t forget to smile!
Lose the gum Torneh, you look like the maid.”
“Sorry.” Torneh stuck the gum to the wall.
“Now prepare to serenade!” Yelped Lineh, hitting an absurdly high note.
“Shhhh!”
“Oh my god, omigod you guys.” Whispered Torneh, Roxie, and Dawnie.
“Looks like Swifty’s gonna win the prize!”
“Shhh!” Lineh hissed again as they crept towards Swifty’s bedroom.
But the girls couldn’t keep their excitement in check. “IF THERE EVER WAS A PERFECT COUPLE, THIS ONE QUALIFIES!”
“SHHH!”
“OMIGOD YOU GUYS!!!”
“STFU!”
The room fell completely silent as everyone stared at Lineh in shock. Lineh cleared her throat. “Good. Now, this is a SURPRISE WEDDING SHOWER. So be quite.”
Dawnie raised her hand. “How is this a wedding shower when Swifty and Thomas aren’t even engaged yet?”
“Fine,” snapped Lineh irritably. “It’s an Anticipation Shower. Happy?”
Roxie raised her hand. “I feel unnatural. Why are we all in the same scene, squealing like idiots?”
But Lineh had a perfectly reasonable explanation. “Silly, these aren’t are
real parts. We got doubled, and now we have to take on these sorority-girl parts as well.”
“Making costume changes a heck of a lot harder.” Grumbled Tessa.
“SWIFTY AND THOMAS WERE MEANT TO BE!” Sang Dawnie suddenly.
“Not once ever has he hit on
me!” Giggled Roxie.
“Shut up!”
“They’re just like that couple from Titanic!
Only no one dies!
Omigod you guys!
OMIF*CKINGOD!!” Everyone else sang.
“STOP!” Dawnie stomped her foot. “As much as I appreciate this…squealing and profanity and…perkiness,” She looked slightly disgusted.
Roxie smirked. “People
do change, don’t they?”
“You’re telling me. We’re supposed to be dead.” Lineh murmured back, but Dawnie was continuing.
“We must pause, and show off the bond our newfound sorority has formed.”
“What sorority?” Tessa frowned, and was hit over the head by Torneh.
“You dolt! The LP members? We’re a sorority now, remember?”
“But how is Swifty in this? He’s a guy.” Tessa protested.
“Says who?” Lineh smirked.
Dawnie, who’d had just about enough of this silliness, snapped her newly-manicured fingers. “That’s enough. One! Two! Three! Four!”
Everyone lined up, almost robotically, and begin to sing once again.
“Member of our dear site,
Soon-to-be fiancé,
If Thomas proposes tonight,
Pray that it’s not cliché!
Make him a happy home!
Waste not his hard-earned wage,
And so he does not roam,
Try not to look your age.” There was an awkward cough at this point.
“Still in your hour of need,
Let it be understood, no man could supersede
Our sacred bond of sisterhooooood!”
“Guys, wait.” Lineh frowned. “Who are we talking to? Anyone have any idea?”
“I thought it was Swifty.” Tessa tilted her head.
“WHAT?! I thought you guys were singing about me and Levi!” Sobbed Torneh.
“GUYS!” Yelped Roxie from the top of the stairs suddenly. “Swifty isn’t here.”
Well, that rained on their parade. Killed the mood! Popped the bubble! Okay, I’m done.
Anyway, everyone begin to babble excitedly. “That makes me crazy in my heeaaaad!” bawled Lineh.
Suddenly, a little tabby cat bounded up. Lineh leaned down to it urgently. “Bramblenose! Where’s Swifty?!”
“Mreow.”
“He doesn’t have an engagement outfit?!”
“Mreow.”
“He’s totally freaking out?”
“Mreow.” Okay, poor Bramblenose is just hungry. He doesn’t know where Lineh is getting this from.
“He’s trapped in a stripper bar?!”
“Mew?”
“Oh,” Lineh giggle-snorted. “The downtown mall. My bad.”
“How the heck do you get ‘stripper bar’ from mall?” Asked Dawnie irritabley.
“Geez, my Felinese is a little rusty, okay?” Lineh hissed back.
But before the argument could go any further, the cops came rushing down the street. “Hey! You! Americans, eh! You snuck into our country eh!”
The LP members exchanged terrified glances and bolted.
“TERRORISTS!” Yelled the cop, giving chase.
“In here!” Roxie whisper-hissed, leading the way through an unknown door and closing it once everyone had gotten through.
“Oh, look,” Torneh pointed out casually. “We’re in the mall.”
“Convenient!” everyone chorused.
Lineh shrugged. “Might as well go see Swifty.” And so they ran off.
Meanwhile, Swifty was checking himself out in a mirror. “It’s almost there…” he frowned. “But…this dress needs to seal the deal,
Make a grown man kneel,
But it can’t come right out and say ‘bride’.
Can’t look like I’m desperate or
Like I’m waiting for it…
I’ve gotta leave Thomas his pride.
So ‘bride’ is more implied!”
It was then that his fellow ‘sorority gals’ burst into the room dressing room. Geez, guys, don’t knock or anything. Still, pretty good timing for girls in heels.
Swifty whipped around.
“Oh my god!
Omif*ckingod eh!
All this week I’ve been feeling odd.
Maybe it’s just nerves,
Or maybe it was the month-old Alaskan Cod!
Omif*ckingod eh!
So help me dress for my fairytale,
I can’t wear something I bought on sale,”
Everyone else joined in at this point.
“Love is like, forever,
This is no time to economize!
Omigod you guys!”
Shadow snickered at the scene from his place in the shadows. “Canadians make commissions
so easy.” He ripped the tag from an old dress and crept forward.
“Excuse me?” He asked Swifty. “Have you seen this dress? It just came in. It’s perfect for a Canadian!” He held up the sparkling pink dress.
Swifty eyed it skeptically. “Right. With a half lip stitch on china silk?” He asked.
Shadow faltered only for a moment, before smiling falsely. “Yeah, sure. Whatever.”
“Uh-huh,” Swifty smirked. “But see, you can’t use a half lip stitch on china silk. It’ll pucker. And you didn’t just get that in, because I saw it in last May’s
Vogue.”
Shadow’s jaw dropped.
“Oh my god,
Omigod you guys,” The LP members snickered.
“I am not about to buy last year’s dress at this year’s price.” Swifty snapped, with a z-snap for good measure.
“Swifty saw right through that weird guy’s lies!”
“It may be perfect for a Canadian,” Swifty continued coolly. “But I’m not
that Canadian. I may be in love, but I’m not stupid, Shadow, I’ve got eyes. SO DON’T EVER TRY TO RIP ME OFF AGAIN YOU LITTLE…” he lunged blindly at Shadow, and Tessa squealed as Lineh and Roxie dove forward to hold the angry Canadian back.
“OMIGOD!” Rosie had walked in on the scene, and looked mortified. “Swifty? Sorry, our mistake!
Shadow, take your break.
Just ignore him, I think he’s on crack!” She handed him a different dress.
“Try this!
The latest from Milan,
Go on, try it on!
It also comes in dark red and black!
It’s a gift from me to Jack!”
“It’s
Jasper,” Sobbed Swifty. “You don’t even know my name!”
But before he could protest further, he’d been forced into the dressing room. With one impossibly fast costume change, Swifty stepped back out, much to the delight of everyone else.
“It compliments your curves!” Squealed Dawnie.
“It brings out your eyes!” Agreed Torneh.
“Oh my god,
Omif*ckingod!” Sighed Swifty.
“This one’s perfect!
Go ahead and nod!
See? Dreams really do come true,
As long as you act like s total broad!
Omigod!”
“Omigod!
Omigod you guys!” Chorused the LP sorority.
“Let’s go home before someone cries!
If there ever was a perfect couple, this one qualifies!
Cause we love you guys!”
“No I love you guys!” Gushed Swifty.
“Omif*ckingod!
OMIGOD!”
There was a moment of random silence.
“Well,” Dawnie said finally. “That was…weird.”
“And out of character.” Lineh scoffed. “Caffeine rush, anyone?”
“DON’T BLAME IT ON THE CAFFEINE! COFFEE INNOCENT! MY COFFEE!” Roxie twitched as she paid for her fifth cup of Starbucks.
“Right,” Lineh frowned. “Well, Swifty, you’d better go…get engaged then. Or whatever we were singing about!”
“Okay!” Swifty flounced off.
Tessa looked around. “So…what now?”
“Well, since we’ve pretended to be perky,” Roxie considered. “Let’s go pretend to be emo!”
“Okay!” Giggled Dawnie, and they rushed off.
