Legally CanadianChapter 3: The
Only Way to get into Harvard
Rating: PG
Song: What You Want!(Original, huh? AND mine has an exclamation point)
Real Song: What you Want <---Its amazingly addicting. Again, if you imagine it as Swifty and us, it's friggen' hilarious. If there ever was a day when we all met in person, we'd HAVE to do this and video tape it xD
Summary: The sorority gals try to cheer Swifty up after that messy break up, and they end up getting into something even bigger than their over-grown airheads.
Notes: Yeah...this is waaay overdue. Oh well!
BAM!
The noise was heard throughout the house. Angrily, Lineh whipped around. “Tessa, stop walking into walls!” she hissed.
“Sorry.” Tessa muttered sheepishly, getting back in line. “What are we doing here anyway?”
“Swifty hasn’t shown himself ever since that date with Thomas.” Lineh frowned. “And we’re skipping the lil’ musical number because it isn’t on the freakin’ Legally Blonde soundtrack, and Roxie was too lazy to find it on her downloaded computer version.”
“I was not!” Roxie whispered indignantly.
“Not you. The author. The bottom line is, Swifty hasn’t talked to us for five whole seconds. He’s depressed.” Lineh sighed. “And he needs our help to get over it!”
“HE’S EATING MILKY WAYS!” Reported Dawnie loudly, before she was shushed by the other LP members.
“Snaps!” Wailed Torneh. “Wait…what does this mean?”
“It means,” Dawnie replied gravely, “That he’s wallowing. Wallowing by stuffing his face with these calorie-stuffed bars.”
“I don’t see what the big deal is,” Added Lineh angrily. “Thomas isn’t even that hot. I give him a 3.”
“I give him a 10!” Gushed Roxie. Several people stepped on her foot for not helping.
“Stop being a slut!” Dawnie snapped, giving Roxie a hair-flip for good measure.
Roxie’s eyes widened. “Oh no she didn’t!”
“I don’t think I stuttered!” Dawnie yelled back, before they engaged in yet another slap-fight. This was too much for the other sorority girls’ minds, and they immediately began running in circles in their confusion. So much for being quiet.
Have no fear! Swifty is here! He appeared at the top of the stairs, peering angrily down at the chaotic scene. “WTF are you people doing here?”
“Um, we have a right to be here.” Tessa pointed out. “This is our home too. Gosh.”
These words failed to soften Swifty’s glare. “Whatever,” he sighed angrily. “I’m going back to bed.”
“You can’t!” Dawnie yelled triumphantly. “I have the bag of Milky Ways! Ha!”
“Oh, those? I switched to Twix bars ages ago. They’re more fattening.”
Murmurs of shock and horror rippled through the crowd. Torneh fainted briefly, but revived herself conveniently in time to say, “Swifty, this isn’t good for you! You need to talk to us!”
“I’m fine. Don’t bother with me. I’m going back…to sit…in the dark…alone.” Swifty replied dramatically.
The LP members exchanged glances. “Okay,” They said evenly at last, turning to leave.
“WAIT!” Yelled Swifty. “You weren’t supposed to do that!”
“Why not?”
“I was so obviously NOT fine.”
“Then why’d you say—“
“Never mind!” Swifty grew frustrated. “Just give me those magazines.”
“What magazines?” Lineh looked around, confused. Suddenly, a pile of magazines magically appeared. “…Oh…um…okay.”
As Swifty descended the stairs to retrieve the magazines, the others began to flip through them.
“Hey!” Shouted Torneh. “I’m going to point out this nerdy looking drag queen guy randomly!”
“Convenient!” chorused everyone else.
“Gimme that!” Swifty snatched it away angrily to glare at the guy in the magazine. He was wearing thick-rimmed glasses, and was dressed in a political looking suit. Make-up smothered his annoying face, and he also wore a wig. An American flag waved behind him. “Hehe, what a—wait!” Swifty froze like a stiff rabbit. “This is the kind of guy Thomas wants! Someone lawyerly! Someone patriotic! Someone FEMININE!” He began jumping up and down excitedly. “Guys, I have a completely brilliant plan!”
With a flick of his hair, shoved the others aside.
“What you want,
Thomas, what you want is me!
But you need to see me in a brand new domain!
Well, its plain, Thomas in a different setting
You will see you’re getting
An American plus champagne!” Swifty downed a glass before continuing.
“I’ll meet you there in the U.S. with an American flag!
And I’ll learn all your American customs,
Even if they make me gag!
And right there is where you’ll see it too!
Thomas, what you want is right in front of you!” Swifty began a conga line with the others.
“What you want!” They chorused.
“It’s clear!” Swifty added.
“What you want!”
“Right here!”
“What you want is right in front of you, front of you!
What you want!”
“IT’S CLEAAAR!”
“What you want!”
“Right heeere!”
“What you want is right in front of you, front of you!”
Suddenly, Swifty stepped on Bramblenose’s tail and tripped, causing the whole conga line to fall. =(
Growling their indignance, the LP members got up and helped Swifty off the ground. Walk it off, Swifty, walk it off!
“Uh, guys?” Lineh called. “We have a problem. I just received notice that Thomas is attending Harvard Law, an ivy league college in America.”
A silence fell. “Wait…” Dawnie said suspiciously. “Received notice from where?”
“I have my ways.” Lineh told her as twilight zone music began to play in the background.
“WTF? Turn that off! It’s ruining my song!” Yelled Swifty, before continuing. “There’s a simple solution to all this. Allow me to sing about it.
Step one, he’s off to Harvard Law, so I get in there too!
Step two, make Thomas re-assess, impress him with my noble plight!
Step three, throw a great big wedding,”
“AND INVITE ALL OF OUR SITE!” Chorused the LP members.
“That’s great, nice plan. Now wake up and smell the coffee!” Yelled Lineh. “Harvard Law School?”
“I have a 4.0 average.” Shrugged Swifty.
“But you’re CANADIAN. What makes you think you can do this?”
Suddenly, Swifty’s eyes lit up, and everyone put in their earplugs in anticipation of a cheesy musical moment.
“Love! I’m doing this for love!
And love’ll see me through!
Cause with love on my side I can’t lose!
And Thomas can’t refuse
A love so pure and truuuue!
Don’t Americans feel love too?” Asked Swifty.
Lineh rolled her eyes. “Even if they do,
What you want, dumb-ass
Is no easy thing!
If you’re going to swing it, it’ll wreck your senior spring, yeah it’s true,
First you’ll need an LSAT score
Of more than 174!
So no more parties for you!
You’ll need a killer essay or do not even hope!
And glowing letters from your betters,
Any chance you know the Pope?”
“Uh, nope.”
“Too bad, ‘cause that would be a coup!
And you’ve got a lot of work in front of you!”
“WHAT YOU WANT!” Yelled Roxie and Dawnie.
“Yes, I know!” Swifty sang back.
“WHAT YOU WANT!” Torneh and Tessa added.
“Even so!”
“WHAT YOU WANT
IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, FRONT OF YOU!”
So Swifty bounced off to see his parents. But when he told them that he wanted to go to an ivy league school in America, their reaction was not quite what he’d hoped for.
“Law school? In AMERICA?!” Yelled Swifty’s Dad. “Good god, why? America is for crazy, violent people. And you, Jasper, are none of those things.
What you want, Jasper, you just say the word!
But what you want is absurd,
And costs a whole lot of swag,
And hell why, Jasper,
When you can stay right here?
Pursue an ice hockey career?”
“How about a nice wheel of cheese, eh?” Swifty’s Mom added.
“Yes!” Nodded Swifty’s dad.
“America is foreign, there’s no grizzlies to shoot!
It’s multicultural ,the money’s different,
Everyone has plastic surgery!
Right, Jasper, it’s like the damn frontier!”
“Tell me, what’s out there that you can’t get right here?” chosed Mumsy and Popsicle.
“Guys, LOVE!” Swifty yelled impatiently.
“WHAT?!”
I’m going there for love!
And love I’ll have to win…
I can live without bears or our mon-ay.
I can’t just walk away!
Betray what might have been!”
Desperate to end yet another cheesy moment, Swifty’s dad sighed. “Fine, FINE! Just leave. I don’t have time for this crap.” He sobbed as the LP members did their little chorus again.
“Okay.” Lineh slammed the book down on the desk that had appeared out of nowhere. “No more nonsense. Swifty, start studying. Who was the first president of the United States?”
Swifty began to panic. “Will this be on the test?”
“YES!! Get studying.”
Many hours and a bunch of weird hip hop frat boys later, Swifty finished the test for the third time.
Lineh snatched it away, and read over his answers. “Well…” She sighed gravely. “You’ve passed! By one point!!”
SQUEALSMUCH;; it’s off to Harvard we go.
“Alright,” Said the important Harvard peoplesh. “We accept this nerdy kid and that fat girl…now what?”
“We could accept this guy. He got a 175 on his test.” Suggested one.
The main-dude took the file. “But he’s Canadian! We can’t accept him. Besides, he didn’t even write a personal essay.”
“HOW’S THIS FOR A PERSONAL ESSAY?!”
Suddenly, Swifty and his minions burst through the door, Swifty in a long blonde wig.
“WHAT YOU WANT!”
“Goodness me!” Yelled the Harvard-dude.
“WHAT YOU WANT!”
“Security!!”
“WHAT YOU WANT IS RIGHT IN FRONT OF YOU, FRONT OF YOU!”
“Who are you?!” Snarled the Harvard-dude.
Swifty flashed a smile. “I’m what you want, Harvard, I’m the girl for you!” He fluffed his wig. “And to prove it’s true, we all flew her on Jet Blue—“
Suddenly, gunshots were heard in the air. A large team of Navy SEALS jumped into the room and hauled all of the LP members off except for Swifty. Convenient!
“Give me one good reason to accept you into Harvard Law.” Frowned the Harvard-Dude.
Swifty pouted. “The guy I love is here, and I gotta win him back.”
The man stared for a moment, apparently in shock. Then, amazingly, he shrugged. “Good enough.”
