Smooth like a Porcupine's Backside...

[Roxie !]

Legally Canadian
Chapter 5: The Beauty of Moronic Metaphors
Rating: PG and a halfish, for Carrie's little refrences to every girl's good friend Tom(long story)xD.
Song: Mud on the Otter
Real Song: Blood in the Water
Notes: Eek, it's been forever since I've updated. Sorry!

Silence. The loudest silence that Swifty had ever experienced was filling the classroom now. He shifted uncomfortably in his seat, eying the other students who were quick to avoid his gaze. All except one, who was glaring at him reproachfully.

“All that pink you’re wearing…” Roxie smirked, “Is that even legal?”

“Well, in Canada it wasn’t.” Swifty replied truthfully. “But I was hoping that here…things would be different.” Epic music began playing in the background as he became starry-eyed. “I have a new path here…”

Sensing some sort of cheesy song approaching, Roxie slowly backed away.

“I don’t know how I know,” Swifty whispered softly.
“But I’m gonna find my purpose.
I don’t know where I’m gonna look,
But I’m gonna find my purpose…
Gotta find out,
Don’t wanna wait,
Got to make sure that my life will be great!
I’ve gotta find my purpose!
Before it’s too late!”

Dawnie, Lineh, and Torneh popped up right on cue. “He’s gonna find his purpose!” They sang annoyingly.

“STOP!”

A voice interrupted their potential musical number. Swifty turned around, scowling in his attempt to find the culprit…only to come face-to-face with Skystar, who returned his glare coldly.

“It’s my turn for a musical number.” She whined. “I need to show off my ruthless-ness.”

“Um, all those words you’re saying,” Roxie smirked. “Is that even legal?”

Skystar rolled her eyes and ignored this. “Now when you choose a law career, the moment you embark, there is that joke you’re bound to hear; ‘a lawyer is a shark’. Ignore that, it’s simplistic and it’s dumb. Only some of you will become sharks, just some. The rest…are chum.”

Swifty leaned over to Thomas anxiously and asked, “Any idea what Dr. Seuss over there is talking about?”

As if in answer, Skystar broke into song.
“Our topic is blood in the water.
Kids, it’s time you faced,
Law school is a waste,
Unless, oh yes, you acquire a taste for
Blood in the water—What?!” She snapped mid-song at some random girl who looked suspiciously like Stephen Kings’ Carrie.

“Omigod,” She gasped. “Finally someone I can relate to! This happens to me all.the.time. I go swimming, and then I realize I forgot my ta—“

“EWWWW!” Swifty scooched away from her. “New topic please!”

“You have a problem, buddy?!” Carrie stood up furiously. “You were behind the pigs blood, weren’t you? WEREN’T YOU?!”

“Enough!” Skystar winced, holding up her hands. “Now I’m going to have to completely change my song. While I think on that, why don’t one of you answer some random question?”

Shadow raised his hand.

“Okay, you’ll work. What is the sound of one hand clapping?” She asked him quickly.

Shadow frowned. “…Uh…I don’t…know?”

“WRONG. You’ll never make a good lawyer.” Skystar pushed some button conveniently located by the nearest wall. Suddenly, a soaking wet, furious blonde who was…ahem, DEFINITELY not named Juliet, stormed into the room, punched Skystar hard in the face, and left.

“Oops,” Skystar stumbled to her feet, dazed, “Wrong button.” She pushed the second button on the wall, and a trap door opened underneath Shadow’s desk, sending him hurtling past Gandalf and into the space-time continuum.

“Anywho,” Skystar turned back to her class.
“Look for the…Mud on the Otter,
Someone needs a bath,
You can do the math,
To avoid its wrath, don’t get in that Otter’s path!
Yes, Mud on the Otter.
Sticky and smelly and gross—
Okay, Lineh, question for you.”

Lineh sat up tall. “Okay!” She said eagerly.

“What are baby otters called?”

“Um…” Lineh looked around helplessly. “…Butter?”

“…Butter?” Skystar repeated blankly.

“Well, I used to watch this show on Disney channel, and—“

“NO. Baby otters are called Pups. PUPS!” Skystar pressed the button again, sending Lineh hurtling past Gandalf and…you get the picture.

Skystar composed herself and went on. “So my point is, I’m going to hire four interns this year, and if you want to be one of them, prove yourself to be a good lawyer. So that means you have to avoid…what?”

“Mud on the Otter.” The students chorused, confused by the randomness of all of this. You’d think they’d be used to it by now.

“Yes! It’s like a game of chess,
Four of you will progress,
But only those four who practice cleanliness!” Skystar bellowed,
“Mud on the Otter,
Otters bite and scratch and claw…” She paused once again, this time because Swifty had help up his hand hopefully.

“Okay, why don’t you…tell me your favorite part of that law book I assigned.” She suggested.

“Oh…” Swifty frowned. “I wanted to answer the puppy question…”

“But I already gave you the answer to that.”

“But I didn’t really…read…much.”

Skystar stopped, shocked. “Okay…” She blinked, unsure of exactly what to do. “Uh…Roxie, what do you think?”

“Okay, hold on a second.” Roxie was apparently thinking hard. “Um, all this thinking I’m doing,” She smirked, “Is that even legal?”

Swifty whipped around in his seat to face her. “WOULD YOU STOP DOING THAT?!” he bellowed irritably.

Roxie’s eyes widened. “Oh, it’s on! I say kick him out of class!”

Skystar shrugged.
“Works for me…you heard your classmate,
You have just been soiled,
She cut your throat,
So grab your coat,
You’ve got guts but you’re too spoiled…
You’ve put Mud on the Otter,
So would you please withdraw?
And if you return,
Be ready to learn!
Or is that unfair?
Oh wait, I don’t care!
That’s just how I rule
In life and in school
With fear and shock and gall!” Skystar and the other students were now backing Swifty up toward the door.

“You’re nothing but a squirt,
‘Til cleaning the dirt
Becomes your only law!”

“MUD ON THE OTTER!” Yelled the students as Skystar slammed the door in Swifty’s face. Swifty merely stood there, stunned at what had just happened.

“Gosh, some people get so touchy when they’re PMSing. I should know!” Carrie babbled from behind him. Swifty merely smacked himself in the face. This was going to be a long year.

[le Dawnz]

-laughs- ... -and laughs- ... -and laughs and laughs and laughs- I was listening to Blood in the Water while reading, it was sooooo funny! I give you three thumbs up! -looks at thumbs and recounts- Uh... I mean two!


Edit: Swifty says he gives it 1 and 0.65 thumbs up 'cause it was good but wasn't "action-packed enough" for him.

[Roxie !]

Thank you! heh, sorry, I'm in a 'smilie' mood today.

Now how do you give 1 and .65 thumbs up? Do you just, stick one up and bend the other one? That is te question of the day.

[Roxie !]

Legally Canadian
Chapter 6:Battle of the Genders
Rating: PG-13, for a bit of swearing.
Song: Masculine
Real Song: Positive
Notes: Okay, on the sorority girls matter, I wanted to clear it up real fast.
Dawnie=Serena
Lineh=Pilar
And Torneh and I kind of alternate Margot's role, depending on whether Paulette or Vivienne is in the current scene more.

“Hey!”

A sudden call made Swifty turn curiously to see who had spoken, only to find that Tessa had left the class and was walking after him.

“Listen, I got kicked out of class my first year too, it’s awful. But trust me, your law career is not over!” She assured him with a smile.

“What? WTF is a ‘law career?” Swifty asked in confusion. “I just wanna go back there to stare at my hot ex-boyfriend for awhile. Can you help me?”

“Yeah,” chuckled Tessa. “Come back tomorrow and…bring your sunglasses.”

Swifty nodded, but didn’t get a chance to reply. Because suddenly, he spotted the girl who’d helped throw her out of the classroom. “Excuse me!” He shouted at her, stomping over.

Roxie turned around and raised an eyebrow.

“Why would you do that to another girl?” Swifty inquired.

“Another girl…?” Roxie asked in confusion. Her eyes suddenly widened with realization. “Oh…oh…DRAG QUEENS?! Are those even—“ A book was thrown her way before she could finish the sentence.

Swifty wisely chose to ignore this. “We girls have to stick together!” He pleaded in exasperation. “We can’t try to look good by making each other look bad!”

“We can’t?” Roxie rolled her eyes. “Okay, it’s official, you’re DEFINITELY a guy.”

“Shoot,” Swifty murmured. Exposed.

“Try opening a law book next time.” She continued. “But I should warn you: they don’t come with pictures.”

“Okay, I missed it,” Tessa blinked blankly. “Did she come over here just to bitch?”

Meanwhile, Swifty was still stuck on the picture comment, his eyes wide with pure horror. “W-what?! What kind of sick place is this?!”

“Right,” Tessa could sense things heating up, so she backed away. “I’ll give you guys a moment then. See ya!” And she was off, leaving a Tessa-shaped poof of smoke behind her.

“Aren’t their wolverine hunting parties going on somewhere without you?” Roxie asked smugly.
“No,” Swifty corrected hotly. “I cleared my schedules to come here, thank you very much.”

“Uh…hi?” Thomas walked out of the classroom, oblivious to the sudden tension.

“Tommyyyyyyyy!” Swifty squealed. “Thank gawd you’re here!

“Listen,” Thomas looked uncomfortable. “I’m really sorry—“

Swifty blinked, “Sorry for what?”

“Thomas,” Roxie glared at him. “Is there something you’d like to share with Swifty?”

“What, do you know her?” Swifty asked suspiciously, casting a death glare over Thomas’s shoulder.

Thomas paused for a moment. “Well…yeah…Roxie and I went to boarding school together. And now…she’s my girlfriend.” He looked slightly uncomfortable.

Swifty stared blankly at the two of them, and then took a step backward. “I’m sorry, I just hallucinated. What did you say?!”

“You heard him!” Roxie took a step forward.

“Oh, I can sense a duet coming on.” Thomas murmured.

“What is this feeling, so sudden and new?” Swifty sang.

“I felt the moment I laid eyes on you,” Roxie shot back.

“My pulse is rushing.”

“My head is reeling.”

“My face is flushing, what is this feeling?” They sang together.
“Fervid as a flame, does it have a name?
Yeeeeeeeess!
Loathing!”

“Wow, what a twist!” Torneh remarked in the background.

Dawnie snorted her contempt. “Yeah well, our version back in the day was better.”

“Yes it was!” Roxie high-fived her.

“Wait…Roxie?” Swifty looked between bitchy-Roxie and ditz-Roxie. “How are there two of you? And why are you all here?!”

“Oh, it’s all in the casting.” Roxie remarked.

“And we’re not REALLY here, we’re in your head.” Lineh added.

“Because THIS is a tragedy.” Dawnie remarked, pointing at Thomas and bitchy-Roxie. “And every tragedy needs a…”

“GREEK CHORUS!” The girls chorused.

It was break into song time! For real, this time!

“Honey, whatcha crying at?” Sang Dawnie.
“You’re not losing him to that.”
Both her hair and shoes are flat,
Why is she so rude?”

“We know Thomas is still gay,” Roxie added in song.
“You were meant for his wedding day!
Cheer up, chin up, it’s time to bring
A manly attitude!”

“KEEP IT MASCULINE!” The girls chorused,

“Wear the same underwear all week!” Roxie and Torneh giggled.

“KEEP IT MASCULINE!”

“As you pull her hair, and call her ‘geek’!” Dawnie added.

“Thomas isn’t in to girls!” Lineh sang.

“Your hairs got the better curls!”

“YOU KNOW WE’RE RIGHT!
Be masculine—KILL HER!” The LP members charged toward bitchy-Roxie in a rage, before Swifty scuttled in front of them, blocking their path.

“Girls, girls!” He hissed desperately.
“Violence is never wise,
Not the way to win back guys,
No life insurance if she dies,
Who’s got a plan B?”

“ME!” Lineh grinned.
“Look at her, she’s like a nun!” She spat,
“Show him you are way more fun!
Bust out the video games, and you’ve won!
You off da hizzle, G!”

“What?” Swifty raised an eyebrow.

“KEEP IT MASCULINE!”

“Yeah, let out your inner man!” Squeeled Torneh.

“KEEP IT MASCULINE!”

“Fed-Ex Roxie to Japan!” Lineh added.

“What?” They all stopped to stare at her.

“Dunno, it rhymed.” She replied with a shrug. This was a reasonable response, so they continued.

“You will whet his appetite!” Dawnie sang.

“You and he will reunite!” Torneh added.

“YOU KNOW WE’RE RIGHT!
Be masculine!” They all joined hands and began to spin randomly in a circle at alarming speed.

“Be masculine!
Be masculine!
Be masculine!”

“AHHHH!!” Swifty spun away from them and out of control, nearly knocking into Thomas. “You’re making me sick!” He complained to his sorority sistas.

“Are we?” bitchy-Roxie asked, misinterpreting this. “Okay Thomas…let’s take this to my place!” She threw down her set of Uno cards, though she’d been about to win the game, and Thomas followed her.


The sorority sistas let out a group yowl of rage.

“BE MASCULINE!
‘Cause he loves you and not her!
You’re hotter!
And I betcha smarter!”

“She don’t know the real him!” Added Torneh.
“You feel him!
So don’t let her steal him!”

“Wake him up like sleeping beau-tay!
Turn his head with your red-hot boo-tay!”

They paused for a moment. “They’re not paying us enough for this.” Murmured Lineh in annoyance. The group nodded and muttered their agreement, but continued.

“We’ll bring the noise and you bring the funk,
It’s positively time to shake your junk!”

“But I don’t have junk!” Whined Swifty. “I’m not REALLY a girl, and –“

“Oh snap,” Dawnie paused. “We’ve gotta re-think this scene. Girls, put your thinking caps on!”

“No, no, that won’t be necessary.” Swifty said quickly, predicting how long it would take his friends to actually come up with an idea.

“Girls, I’m positive,” He sang softly.
“That we’ve taken this too far,
No, I’m positive,
This is Harvard, not a stripper bar!
All this trashy carrying-on,
That’s the reason that he’s gone!
I need a saloon!

I need to be feminine!
There’s something I forgot to mention,
To be feminine,
I’m going to need hair extentions!”

“WHAT?!” Yelled the group in dismay.

“Being manly and being ‘hot’,
That got me exactly squat!
Got to show him I’ve got more to give!
I’ll be feminine!” He sang?

“Feminine?” Asked the sorority sistas nervously.

“Feminine!”

“Feminine?”

“Feminine!!”

“OKAY, WE GET IT!” Yelled the audience. Surprised and spooked by this, the LP members disappeared in a wisp of smoke.

“Okay then,” Swifty shrugged. “Off to the hair saloon!” And with that, he skipped off.

Oh yes, and suddenly, a team of Navy SEALS crashed their submarine through the wall. The members of the team filed out of their vehicle and began shooting at the random Harvard extras. Then Jennifer Garner swung down on a rope and kicked one of them over a random cliff, while a suicide bomber headed toward the school. There, Swifty. I expect TWO thumbs this time!

[le Dawnz]

THAT made me laugh. I loved the lines "EXPOSED!!" and "Fed-Ex Roxie to Japan!” Lmao. And yeah Swifty! That one deserves a 2 thumbs up!

[Roxie !]

OMFG!! AN UPDATE!!

Legally Canadian
Chapter 7: Ethnic Pride, Baby!
Rating: Same as the others, who cares?
Song: Germany
Real Song: click! Ireland
Notes: I have neglected this story for WAAAAAY too long. xDDDD So I FINALLY got some inspiration to update! Y'all ready for this? Oh. And about the song...no offense to ANY germans around here, xD(heck, IM part German), but I had to include some stereotypes. After all, that's what the original song, Ireland, did. In fact, Ireland is personally one of my FAVORITE songs in the show(listen to it by clicking above if you havent!), so this chapter was fun. here we go!

P.S.-Mad props to Tessa for gettin me a rhyming dictionary! xD

P.P.S.-More mad props to Annaleigh Ashford, who I've decided is the BEST Glinda. Uncontested. She completely adds her own style to Popular, looks heart-breakingly sad during Thank Goodness, and most importantly: unlike ANY of the others that Ive heard, she sings For Good with a completely different like...tone of of voice. Hard to explain. But most Glindas will sing that song the same way they sang Popular. Hah, Imma go up to Katie Rose Clarke when I see Wicked on Sunday and be like "Your For Good is DITZY!" Hah, that has to be the new insult. Anyway, PLUS, Annaleigh was the ORIGINAL Margot on the broadway production of Legally Blonde. So ....yay her! Kay, Im done.

Swifty peered nervously into the hair saloon. It seemed empty, though he couldn’t be to sure. Gently, he shut the door behind him, cursing as the merry tingling of the bell pierced the silence of the shop.

“Hello? Is anyone there?” he called. A lone tumbleweed blew by as if to answer him, and the Canadian shrugged. “That answers that, then eh.” He decided. He’d just have to wait until someone arrived. Smiling, he plopped himself down in a chair and began to admire himself in the mirror.

“THIEVES!” Roared a voice behind him, causing him to startle badly and whip his chair around to face his could-be attacker. To Swifty’s surprise, he was faced with a very angry looking Torneh, who wielded a pitchfork and was now pointing it directly at him.

“Torneh?” Swifty asked blankly.

Torneh peered over her weapon. “Swifty?” Her expression softened, and she slowly lowered the pitchfork and then tossed it aside. “Sorry. I thought…well, I suppose playing Sly Cooper all day has made me a bit paranoid. Anyway,” She cleared her throat and offered a grin before a bewildered Swifty. “Hey there! Welcome to the Haih Affaih!”

“What?” Swifty asked blankly.

“The Haih Affaih.” Torneh repeated earnestly. “See? It’s the name of the shop.” She pointed to a sign which read The Hair Affair. Swifty frowned, puzzled by this.

“What can I do ya for, dahlin’?” Torneh pressed, oblivious to her friend’s confusion.

Swifty took a deep breath. “I need…hair extensions. Iwanttolookmorefeminine.”

Torneh tilted her head. “What? Didn’t catch that.”

“HAIR EXTENSIONS! PAINTED NAILS! MAKE ME FEMININE!” Swifty blurted.

Torneh’s jaw dropped. “Sweethaht, I think yah’d be better awff in some sorta sehrgery place.” She suggested thickly.

Swifty shook his head violently. “No! No…I don’t want to change completely. Once Thomas loves me again, he’ll realize his true sexual orientation. I just have to get his attention. So, make me pretty!” He told her, batting his eyelashes.

“So this is aboutta guy.” It wasn’t a question, and Torneh now looked concerned. “I knew there was somethin’ else goin’ on. Spill, Tawneh is listening.”

Swifty’s eyes clouded over. “Well…it’s a long story…” And he began to sing.

“Morning in Paris, the city awakes
To the Bells of Notre Dame,
The fisherman fishes, the bakerman bakes
To the Bells of Notre Dame!
To the big bells as loud as the thunder,
To the little bells soft as a psalm,
And some say the soul of the city’s
The toll of the bells,
The Bells of Notre Dame!”

“Right,” Torneh said slowly. “But whaht does that have ta do with whaht happened?”

“It doesn’t,” Swifty replied absently. “It just sounded dramatic. Anyway. I came all the way here from Harvard Law—“

“HAH-VAHD!” Spluttered Torneh loudly. “That’s a guhd school!”

Swifty frowned at her. “Don’t interrupt, it ruins my flow. Anyway, I did it all to follow my one true love: Thomas. But now he’s—“ Swifty stopped, choking on his words. “He’s—he’s dating an evil preppy.”

“So, whaht’s the prahblem?Aren’t you--” Torneh asked, confused.

“An evil preppy GIRL.” Swifty clairified.

“Oh.” Torneh looked sympathetic for a moment, and then she scoffed. “Aw. Whaht’s she gawt that you don’t gawt?”

“Uh. A chest.” Swifty decided to put it bluntly.

“EWWWWW!” Squealed Little Billy from the audience, “GIRLS!”

“Stfu!” Snarled Lineh.

“So totally frustratingly useless?” Guessed Dawnie, but then fell silent as the show continued.

“That, and she’s ‘serious’.” Swifty added, making use of the air quotes. “And apparently that’s what Thomas wants. You have to make me feminine!”

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Torneh immediately got to her feet. She’d heard enough. “Now do yah KNOW the numbah one reason behind AWLL bad haih decisions? It’s love.
Yah’re lost withoutcha love,
Yah haht is on da floor,
But I can help yah,
I’ve been there befohre!
When I need ta relax,
I just put on some tracks.
With this CD I bought for the store!”

Torneh flicked a button on some random remote she’d pulled out of her shirt(waste not, want not, as Mrs. Lovett would say), and the whimsical sound of German yodeling filled the room. Swifty winced.

“Isn’t that relaxin’?” Whispered Torneh as she drifted to the music. “It’s called SCHNITZEL TUNES!”

Uh-oh. That sounded like a cue for more singing. And sure enough…

“When I’m lonely or feelin’ dejected,
I play this and there go my fears,
I pretend like I’m in Germany,
With Einstein, and the beards.

When my telephone gets disconnected,
And I spend all my time reading books,
I pretend like I’m in Germany,
Where the German wieners cook…

Smell the beer as it brews in the kitchen,
Nazis smile as I stroll past their ships,
With a tall handsome devil named Schnitzel,
And we’d smile without moving our lips!

In a bar once I met this guy Shadow,
And he bought be like fouhteen beers.
And he told me that he was from Germany,
So I lived with him ten yeahrs!

If I squinted, he looked like my devil,
Through my boozy delusional fog,
Then he dumped me for some slut named Heathah,
Took my trailah, and took my dawg.”

Torneh sobbed as she showed Swifty a picture of her retriever, Gumbo.

“Uh…Torneh?” Swifty raised an eyebrow. “This is all very touching, but I have to ask: why are you speaking with a New York accent?”

“Oh, New Yahwk, is it?” Torneh scowled. “Everything has ta be about America, doesn’t it?

The Germans, they know how to love you!
You embrace in the smoky German breeze!
And if your German boy tires of you,
Yer allowed ta shoot him in da knees!

HEY! You look like that poster for Germany!
Band t-shirt and a tea smudgey face,”—Swifty spit out the tea he’d been drinking and wiped his mouth self-conciously.

“Oh no wait, that’s the poster for England!
Aw screw it, I’ll never see either place.
But a guy sweet as you as a future,
You have hope with each new sunrise,
Guys like you always get to see Germany,
Give my love…to the Jewish guys.” Torneh bowed her head sadly as the song ended.

Swifty rose to his feet and embraced Torneh, tears in his eyes.

“It’s times like this when I miss my dog Gumbo the most.” Sobbed Torneh randomly.

“Yeah. Well. Back to my problems.”


“So…I’ll bring the booze, you bring the crack?” an all-too-familiar voice sounded from the doorway. Swifty gasped and turned around, his eyes blazing with hatred. Sure enough, there stood Roxie, chattering to one of her friends.

“Now that’s a hodown!” Yameh agreed with a smirk.

“Ooh, there’s gonna be a hodown? We have that in Canada, only we call it tailgating!” Swifty chirped automatically. His face fell as he reminded himself of who he was talking to. “Hello…Roxie.”

“Hello Swifty.” Roxie said stiffly. "All this perkyness you're displaying...is that even legal?"

"IF YOU DO THAT ONE MORE TIME--"

“Gettin’ cold in here.” Coughed Dawnie.

“Yeah.” Yameh looked around shiftily. “Actually, a few of us are getting together next week to go clubbing.”

As Swifty considered this, Torneh crept up behind him. “Hey Swifteh, maybe that guy you like’ll be there.” She stated loudly. “You know, THOMAS. The one that evil preppy BITCH-GIRL stole from—“

“SHH!” Swifty covered Torneh’s mouth quickly.

“Definitely come.” Roxie agreed through gritted teeth. “It’s a costume…night…out…clubbing…thing.”

“I love those!” Squealed Swifty.

“Okay. Well. Friday night at 8, at the Little Vixen. See you there.” Snickering, Roxie slunk away with her friends.

“Thanks, Roxie.” Swifty seemed touched.

Torneh frowned. “This isn’t going to be one of those Roxie-tries-to-humiliate-innocent-victim-by-getting-them-to-wear-something-rediculous-in-public-then-feeling-bad-about-it-and-becoming-best-friends-with-you kind of thing…is it?” She asked suspiciously.

“No, that was last time. And with Dawnie.” Swifty reminded her.

“Well in that case, you are SO gonna borrow my secret weapon costume! All we need ta do is dust awff the moth bahlls. So, you go, and you do this, honey!” Torneh told him firmly. “Because if a guy like you can’t win his squeeze back, then there is no hope for the rest of us!”

“Oh Torneh! Thank you for talking me off the ledge. You have no idea how much I needed this!” Swifty squealed as Torneh ushered him out the door, triumphant music swelling in the background.

“You go, and yah fight for him!” Torneh called after him as he raced down the street, dodging cars as he went. As she watched him fondly, she decided something. It was time for a time-consuming reprise!

“The Germans fear nothing and no one!
They keep fightin’ till everyones dead!
I’m not sure where this metaphor’s goin’,
I just felt like it had to be said!
There’s a guy at that hodown who loves you!
Something most of us only dream of!
You go out there and you get some Germany!
The country of Hitler…and LOOOOOOOVE!” She squealed, ending on a high note.

“Did anyone else find that whole song completely pointless?” Wondered Lineh as she looked on.

Dawnie shrugged. “At least some people are proud of their heritage. The rest of us just refer to ourselves as Americans…hey. You wanna go get some fries?”

[{ tessa }]

LMAO!!! Finally! I luff torneh's new yorkian accent ("HAH-VAHD!" lol) This part:

“So, whaht’s the prahblem?Aren’t you--” Torneh asked, confused.

“An evil preppy GIRL.” Swifty clairified.

“Oh.” Torneh looked sympathetic for a moment, and then she scoffed. “Aw. Whaht’s she gawt that you don’t gawt?”

“Uh. A chest.” Swifty decided to put it bluntly.

“EWWWWW!” Squealed Little Billy from the audience, “GIRLS!”

“Stfu!” Snarled Lineh.

“So totally frustratingly useless?” Guessed Dawnie, but then fell silent as the show continued.

and

Smell the beer as it brews in the kitchen,
Nazis smile as I stroll past their ships,
With a tall handsome devil named Schnitzel,
And we’d smile without moving our lips!

were the funniest! and the hodown thing. lmao I loved the thing with Torneh screaming about how Thomas might be at the party at the end cause thats TOTALLY what Paulette does!

[torneh]

LMFAO.
i love the stereotypes xDDDDDDD

[le Dawnz]

"The country of Hitler... and LOOOOOOOOOVE!!!" Haha! I love that, lol. Great job Roxie!

[Roxie !]

Legally Canadian
Chapter 8: Buck, Buck, Moose!
Song: American Reprise
Real Song: Serious Reprise
Notes: This got particularly random towards the end xDDD. Beware!


"So what do you think, Bramblenose? The Playboy Bunny outfit Torneh gave me, or my old Moose mascot costume?" Questioned Swifty, holding up each outfit in turn. Bramblenose just tilted his head in response, unsure of why his owner was suddenly possessed by the urge to dress up in one of two equally rediculous outfits.

"Meow."

Swifty nodded. "You're right. The Playboy Bunny might look a little too cliche with that new House Bunny movie out. Moose it is! Showing a little Canadian pride now and then never hurt...it's only a costume party, right?" He went on, convincing himself. With that, Swifty pulled one of those 30-second speed changes that are ever-so-nessecary in this musical, and prepared to walk out the door. "You know what they say in theatre business," Swifty told his cat with a wink. "Early is right on time, on time is late, and late is unacceptable!"

But it's an hour past the time Roxie told you to be there. Bramblenose thought, but, with no precious knowledge of the English language, he was forced to remain silent. And anyway, Swifty had already walked out the door and was now heading toward the club.

To his surprise, however, when he walked inside, he was greeted with a group of completely normally dressed people who all froze as he entered the room. Swifty shifted uncomfortably. Curses! He'd been manipulated.

"Oh snap," cackled a random extra. "Hunting season already?" This bad joke was met with loud barks of laughter from the extra's appriciative onlookers.

Yameh grinned. "Omigod that was a good one! L-M-A-O!"

"Little Miss American Opossum?" Dawnie called out of nowhere. Lineh nudged her.

"What is it with you and acronyms?"

Swifty gulped, but lifted his chin high. Determined to stay strong, he made his way over to Thomas, knocking over several people and the punch bowl(it was spiked anyway) as he went.

"Hey, stranger." He grinned from under the moose snout at Thomas.

Thomas frowned. "Uh...and you are?" He asked warily. Swifty sighed and removed the moose head, so that his own head looked tiny in comparison to the big furry costume he was wearing.

"Uh, did you get that off the wall?" Thomas stared.

"Can't a guy shake things up now and then?" Swifty responded to Thomas's bewildered look innocently.

Thomas frowned. "It was 'shoke' when you put those furry slippers on." He stated bluntly. "Now you've destroyed San Fransisco with the force of that earthquake."

Swifty giggled. "Aww! Are you hitting on me?"

"Uh, not real--"

"Great!" Swifty set the moose head down carefully and sat down on top of it. "So, how are you liking Harvard?"

Thomas shrugged. "It's okay. The stress is building, but you know." He still looked uncomfortable to be speaking with someone dressed as a moose, but didn't press the issue. Perhaps he didn't want to know. "I still can't believe you're here, though. Back on LP, I never would have guessed it! Sometimes..." His eyes clouded over. "I miss the old days.
Those one-lined posts we had,
I thought we ruled the world!"

"We'd read those graphic births,
I held your head when you hurled." Swifty provided brightly.

Thomas raised an eyebrow Keira Knightley-style. Wisely, he chose to pretend he hadn't heard this.

"We were like gods back then,
RPing among common men,
Tell me, why can't it be that way again?" he went on wistfully.

Once again, Swifty felt the need to add his piece.
"Posts don't just go away...
They're still in the archives today!
Like scrapbooking--but funner!

You've got your future all planned,"

"Yes I do, yes I do." Thomas agreed in perfect harmony.

"What if I'm standing there too?" Swifty went on, beating around the bush.

"Wait, I'm not sure I'm followin' you--"

"Im here 'cause I understand..
I'm here 'cause Im American." Swifty declaired, puffing out his chest.

Thomas looked his moose costume-wearing ex up and down skeptically. "Yeah. You look real American." He scoffed dryly.

Surprisingly, Swifty caught the sarcasm laced in this remark. He frowned slightly. "Thomas, don't forget I got into this school too. And now we'll be studying law together! Maybe we'll BOTH get Skystar's internship." he suggested earnestly. Everyone knew that Skystar's internship, offered annually to four students only, was the key to a successful career.

"SIKE." Lineh whistled from behind them, taking care to spell 'psych' incorrectly.

Thomas chuckled at this. "Swifty, you get kicked out of class daily. You don't actually believe you have a chance at that internship?"

Swifty shrugged, blushing slightly. "Well, of cour--"

"That was rhetorical."

"But I--"

"No."

"I really think--"

"Shut up."

"Listen--"

"GOD." Thomas rolled his eyes. "Everyone in the class is after that internship! Nobody more than me, it's a guaranteed career.And--"

Suddenly, a large pink truck labeled CAREER-MOBILE crashed through a nearby wall. An unenthusiastic looking blonde and a murderous looking brunette leaped out.

"Hello, I'm Erin." The unenthusiastic blonde introduced herself.

"And I'm Karen." the murderous brunette supplied.

"And we're here to eliminate the myth that getting into a good college ensures success!"

Thomas rounded on them. "DID YOU JUST INTERRUPT ME?" He questioned, turning slightly red.

Karen stepped foreward. "Yous got a problem, pally?"

"Who invited you, Bugsy Malone?"

"Oh, it's on--"

As the heated arguement began behind him, Swifty fidgeted his moose paws in boredom. This didn't last long, however, when an all-too-familiar voice caught his attention.

"Swifty," Roxie ambled up coolly. "You're looking...Alaskan. Palin supporter?"

"It's CANADIAN." Barked Swifty, having no patience for Roxie's shenanigans. "Oh, and thanks for the great tip on the costume party. I see you came as Hannah Montana."

Roxie ripped the fake-looking wig off her head and threw it to the ground in frustration. "Damn it! How does everyone keep guessing?"

Looking nervous, Thomas stepped between the two before things could get nasty. "Look, Bullwinkle--uh, I mean, Swifty. You have to ace Skystar's class to even have a shot at that internship, and she isn't called C-minus Skystar for nothing."


" 'C-Minus Skystar' ?" Dawnie called from out of nowhere. "You totally just made that up. That's so stupid."

"Shut up! It's clever!" Thomas rounded on her.

"No it's not--"

"Guys, guys!" Torneh popped up between them. "Jesus was Jewish!"

Everyone stared blankly at her. "...What?" they questioned.

Torneh shrugged. "I dunno. It broke up an argument on Avenue Q..." she trailed off, looking dejected.

"I'm so enthusiastic!" Erin said unenthusiastically.

Roxie, who at this point had been pulling out her hair in frustration, had had enough. "Enough with the randomness!" Erin, Karen, get back to your truck. Torneh, that comment offended me. Thomas, drop the freakin' internship subject, and you--" She turned disdainfully to Swifty. "Someday we'll nominate supreme court justices, and you'll be out hunting. Run home Swifty, and change out of your skank costume."

"PWND." Lineh cackled

"SKANK COSTUME?!" Swifty snarled, outraged. "That's funny. Cause I am ACTUALLY dressed up as 5 year old Pete Wentz. His first Halloween costume was a moose! Are you calling Pete Wentz a skank?"

"WHO'S CALLING PETE WENTZ A SKANK?!" Torneh foamed at the mouth.

"She is!" Swifty pointed an accusatory finger in Roxie's direction. Torneh let out a mad howl and leaped, sending both of them into a cloud of cartoon-style fighting smoke.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" roared the crowd excitedly. Swifty watched in bitter satisfaction, and then turned away. Quietly, he stalked out the door and into the night. Everything had gone wrong. Thomas thought he was a joke, Roxie was set on getting him kicked out of Harvard, and now he had no one to unzip his moose costume.

Life sucked.