Cool like third degree burns...

[Roxie !]

<sub>Let me just say...this chapter was REALLY hard to write. It's hard to spoof, because this actual scene in the musical is really, really sad. One of the saddest parts in the play. Ah well. I tried to make it worth SOMETHING. Gaaah. Sorreh Linith. I gave you the tragic character. But...IF I do another one like Tessa requested, I pwomise I'll make you're life suck less! xD

Chapter 11: Bitwitches and their Directional Coordinates

“Will there be anything else, Lineh?” Asked Pete Wentz sullenly.

Lineh narrowed her eyes. “I’ve TOLD you, call me Jess!”

“Yes, Lineh…” And with that, he walked away.

Lineh looked confused and crestfallen. “Pete…”

But he was gone. Gone with the wind! Fading away like a ship into the mist…okay, I’ll stop.


“Looks like the angsty only get angstier.” Said a voice from out of nowhere.


Lineh screamed. “AHH! Disembodied voice!!”

“…While the random only get randomer.” The Voice continued, unfazed. In a panic, Lineh reached into her pocket and pulled out a stick of dynamite. In a blind panic, she threw the explosive toward the mysterious sound…which happened to be her own wardrobe.

“Snaaap.” Coughed the Voice, who was no longer disembodied. The wardrobe had been blown away, and left standing a very sooty, blackened, and somehow alive Roxie. “What’d you do that for?!”

Lineh blinked, silenced by her shock for several moments. “Uh…” Her jaw dropped. “You were hiding in my closet.” She managed finally. Roxie nodded slowly.

“Why?”

“I didn’t want Feet to scare me. It seems I have a reputation as a random ‘bitwitch’ now.”

“His name is Pete.” Lineh pointed out in annoyance.

Roxie frowned. “Oh yeah. Well, Dawny still calls him Feet.”

“Dawny,” Lineh snorted, shaking her head. “How is she, anyway?”

“You expect me to know? I’m a fugitive! You’re the one who knows her personally.” Roxie exclaimed. Lineh merely looked annoyed.

“Well.” She huffed, ignoring her sister’s previous comment. “Why are you here, anyway?”

Roxie twiddled her thumbs casually. “No reason. I just wanted to talk to father-dude. Since he’s all…like, important and stuff, I could probably use him to clear my name. Even though he totally hates me.”

Lineh sighed. “Well, I’m afraid that’s impossible. You see…dear father-dude has…how should I say this? Roxie. He’s kicked the bucket.” Roxie’s eyes grew freakishly wide.

“W….What?”

Lineh nodded sadly.

Roxie was silent for a long moment, staring at the floor. Finally, she looked up. “Did you clean it up?”

Lineh blinked. “Um…no. I meant, he bit the dust.”

“Ew. Does he KNOW how dirty this floor is?”

Lineh glared, then smacked her forehead. “Roxie! He’s pushing up the daisies! Given up the ghost! Croaked! Met his maker! Cashed in his chips! D-I-E-D.”

Roxie stared, her horror in earnest this time. “…He’s…dead?”
Lineh whipped around, her eyes glaring into the other girl’s.

“He died of shame. You EMBARASSED him to death.”

“Pwned.” Said Dawny out of nowhere.

But Roxie merely rolled her eyes. “Oh what’s that, a new way to kill your Sims? You can’t EMBARRASS people to death, Lineh. It’s impossible.”

“Then explain the mummified corpse in our living room!”

There was a long, awkward moment in which Roxie wondered why, exactly, Lineh had mummified their father. Lineh was wondering the same thing.

“Moving on…” Roxie cleared her throat softly. “I’m glad.”

Lineh stared. “What?”

“I’m glad he’s dead.”

“WTF?!”

“No, I don’t want those fries.” Roxie stated calmly. “But now, you can help me! We can work together, make things right!”

“Uh…no.” Lineh pssh’d. “I’m the co-admin now, Roxie. And you…are a fugitive. And you go running all over the place trying to rescue these random Animals you haven’t even MET…but you don’t even care about the rest of us. Not once did you come back and visit any of us.”

Cheesy music filled the room as Roxie hung her head.

“All my life, I’ve depended on you.” Lineh gestured to her wheelchair. Even though she didn’t actually need it, no one was supposed to know that. And it was for the plot.

“How do you think that feels?
All my life, I’ve depended on you
And this hideous chair with wheels…”

Roxie’s eyes widened. “Whoa…are you singing? I never thought I’d see the day! I mean, you’re the only person I know who could actually get through a musical without actually si—“

“Shut up!” Snapped Lineh, before calming down and continuing.

“Waiting for you to turn your back,
So I can get up and kick my heels…”

Roxie shook her head. “Lineh, there’s not a spell for everything! Oh wait,” she suddenly remembered. “Yeah there is.”

“That was like, the most pointless line ever.”

But Roxie had already began chanting mysteriously.

“Abra kadabra!”

“OMG! The ruby slippers! They’re on my feet!” Lineh looked down at the hideous shoes in horror.

“Dem dere’s Dorothy’s slippers.” Yelled a random hillbilly from the audience. Lineh took out a potato gun and shot him.

“Thanks for spoiling it, shetbag!” She snarled. “Anyway…why, exactly, are Dorothy’s ruby slippers on my feet?”

“I enchanted them, so you can walk now!” Roxie explained proudly.

“Oh..” Rather dryly, Lineh stood up, realizing that her sister hadn’t really DONE anything. She’d been able to walk all along. “Um…thanks?”

Roxie squeed. “I’ve done what long ago I should!
And finally from these powers something good!
Finally something good!”

“Right…” Lineh fake-smiled. “Hey! Maybe Pete will like me now. Pete! Pete, get yo’ ass over here!”

Pete sulked into the room, and Lineh, for no apparent reason, hid behind the giant clown, leaving Roxie to get busted.

Pete gasped girlishly. “THE RANDOM BITWITCH OF THE WEST!!”

“ ‘The West’?” Roxie chuckled, amused. “Where’d that come from?”

Pete shrugged. “We need some landmarks to help out the tourists. Dawny already claimed the North, so yeah.” Still, he looked terrified.

Roxie sighed. “Pete, I’m not going to hurt you. We went to LP together, remember?”

“So did Millie LePhatt! And she turned out to be a serial killer!”

“I’m not a serial killer, Pete.”

Pete picked up the letter opener on the desk and waved it threateningly at Roxie. “You’re a liar. You and your sister—she’s as random as you are!”

Roxie blinked. “What? What are you talking about?”

“I’m not free to ever log off of LP anymore! None of us are since she became co-admin. And she…says the randomest things sometimes! And do you know why?” Snarled Pete.

Lineh burst out from behind the rubber clown. “To keep you here, with me!” She cried dramatically. “Roxie totally stoled Roger from Dawny by being random, even though we’re not s’possed to know that yet. So I thought…maybe…but no.” She shook her head. “None of that matters anymore. Look! I can walk!”

Pete gasped. “This changes everything!”

“Like OneTouch!” Roxie provided unhelpfully.

“Listen, Lineh…” Pete began to sing. Total callback to that Prancing through Life thing.

“What?” Asked Lineh.

“Uh, Lineh, now maybe now you won’t confine me
And you won’t mind me leaving here tonight..”

“Leaving?” Lineh asked, confused.

“That ball that has been staged,” Pete went on with a nod.
“Announcing Dawny is engaged.”

“Dawny?”

“Is there an echo in here?”

“Echo?”

“STOP!”

Everything fell silent. Pete cleared his throat.
“Anyway…Yes, Lineh, that’s right!
I’ve got to go appeal to her,
Express the way I feel to her!
Oh Lineh, I lost my heart to Dawny the moment I met her.” He confessed.

Lineh blinked. “Well, we’ll see about that…”

“No! Lineh, wait!” Roxie shouted, though she had no clue what the heck was going on. She just wanted to feel included.

“YOU’RE GOING TO LOSE YOUR HEART TO ME, PETE! IF I HAVE TO…HAVE TO…”

Lineh caught sight of the magic spell book Roxie had used.

“MAGIC SPELL YOU!” And with that, she snatched the book and began flipping through it, chanting under her breath. Oh, the drama!

“No! Lineh, stop!” Yelped Roxie frantically.

“What’s she doing?!”

“Lineh, you’re pronouncing the words all wrong!”

Suddenly, Pete clasped his chest. “My heart…it’s…shrinking…”

“Roxie, do something!” Lineh demanded.

“I can’t! Once you cast a spell, it can’t be undone!”

Lineh paused. “Who made up THAT stupid rule?”

“The retarded kids from down the lane.” Roxie pointed viciously.

At that moment, Pete fell into Lineh’s empty wheelchair. Roxie wheeled him behind the giant clown, so you lyke totally couldn’t see the costume change.

“This is all your fault!” Lineh wailed.

“What?!” Roxie peeked out from behind the clown sharply. “How?”

“I don’t know!” At this point, Lineh was hysterical.

Roxie sighed softly. “I have to find another spell. It’s the only thing that will work.” She explained, her tone softening slightly. “Hurry, bring me the book!”

Lineh tossed the book to her. “Just save him…please.”

“Just save him, my poor Pete, my sweet, my brave
Don’t leave me ‘till my pet frog’s life has ceased.”

Everyone froze.

“Lineh…” Roxie gasped, horror struck. “That…that was random.”

Lineh’s eyes suddenly widened. “NUUUUUUUUUUU!!!”

Roxie winced and began to chant, trying to put the incident in the back of her mind, while Lineh continued to lament sorrowfully.

“All alone and senseless here,
Just the girl in the mirror!
Wait…there isn’t a girl. I’m a vampire. Wait..” Lineh shook herself. “No I’m not! Arg! Randomness!” But she continued to sing anyway.


”Just her and me!
The Random Bitwich…of the East!
We deserve each other…”

Roxie stopped. “Wait, why are you the East one?”

Lineh shrugged. “You want me to be the Bitwitch of the SOUTH?! Hell no. Last thing I need is some Texan accent to accompany my misery.”


Roxie glared. “This is madness. I REFUSE to be the Western one. I am now…the Random Bitwitch of the …Left! Wait, West is left, right?”

Lineh nodded slowly.

“Good. Now there, I fixed Pete. He won’t need a heart anymore. Peace.”

And with that, the Random Bitwitch of the Left had disappeared.

“No, Roxie—wait!” Called Lineh. But it was too late. She sighed and turned around, seeing as Pete was beginning to stir…

“Pete?” She asked tentatively. He emerged from behind the clown, and Lineh gasped in horror.


Pete was now…a man. A man made out of tin!

“If I only had a heart.” Pete sang in forshadowing.

“N-no! It wasn’t me! It was Roxie!” Sobbed Lineh.

“What have you done?!” Pete wailed, before racing from the room.

“NUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!!!!!!!!!!!!” Lineh’s piercing scream rang into the night.</sub>

[torneh]

_{LMAO! feet... -giggles- canilykehaveyouraduographroxie? -gigglesnort- anyways, he's not as cool as gaspard(orcoughlevi) >.> after all, pete's not FRENCH or is named GASPARD(orlevicough)! -yawnstretch- gumbo's breath stinks... but guess who has a weakness for puppies and could care less about cats? i do!
i hate cats.}

[/sub]

[Roxie !]

_{xD Thank you, thank you. -signs book in that stupid way showbiz people do where they write the first letter of their name and just scribble for the rest- Erin Mackey did that. Really fast xP. But then she put "Best Witches" instead of "Best Wishes". Which was awesomely retarded xDDD.
Anyway...I was brain-dead. Lineh needed to be paired with somebody for that little sub plot thing...so I just picked Pete. For obvious reasons xD.
-Gasp- Did you name your puppy Gumbo then?! Or is Gumbo someone else?
I love dogs. I'm probably more of a dog person than a cat person. But I don't HATE cats. I have a kitty xDDD. Though she thinks she's one of teh dogs.}

[torneh]

ehh... fuck the HTML. i don't feel like it. >.> and yes, gumbo is my new puppy.
with his cuteness, he shall dominate the world.
bwhahahaha.
feet. -gigglesnort-

[{ tessa }]

awwww. Poor Lineh XD. Seriously, the part where this happens to Nessa is the saddest part in the whole musical. Besides where Elphie melts, of course.
Did you make that song up out of random curiousity? It isnt on the CD
Also, You got Erin Mackey's autograph? How??

[Roxie !]

<sub>Nope, it isn't on the CD. It's the Wicked Witch of the East, remember? It's not on there because a)there's too much dialogue in between the song lyrics and B)It spoils too much.
Nessarose has to be the most tragic character, or at least as tragic as Elphaba. Poor thing. Dorothy hit-and-runs 'er with a house, too xDD. Anyway, tis a very pretteh song. Especially when Nessa ish singing the last lines of the song and Elphie is casting that spell in the background. You should listen to it!
youtube.com/watch?v=0i6oApp8uuA
Just the audio, but ah well.

And psst. I'm not 'posed to say. -whispers in Tessa's ear- After the show is over, go around to the side door of the theatre. I saw a few people gathered there and I was all O.o and went over to see. And yeah. That's where the cast'll sign your playbills and even stay to talk if they have time.

Next chappie will be up soon.</sub>

[Roxie !]

_{Also. I don't mean to double post, but I'm extremely hyper and my head is spinning with extremely stupid ideas. I think that I MIGHT do Avenue Q after this...I figure that no one'll even see the REAL lyrics in my story. If I spoof them, just like I do in this one, it'll be all good xDDD}

[Roxie !]

<sub>Okay...here we go. This chapter is literally a waste of space. But I kept procrastinating it, so yeah xP. I'd like to warn you that some actual Wicked characters come out of nowhere here...and they kind of get bashed. As in insulted? xD But izz all in good fun. I love all of them...except for Boq, maybe.
And 2...HAPPY BIRTHDAY LINEH!!!!! Gawsh I had to say it. I'll make some sort of graphic thing after I get back from teh pumpkin patch....of dooom.

Chapter 12: The definition of 'waste.of.space'

Roxie sneaked around Swifty’s house, seeming to have forgotten the recent catastrophe with Lineh and Pete Wentz. She had forgotten her A.D.D meds that day. Setting her broom, which she was still stubbornly convinced could fly, down by the giant unmoving cat head, she peered around anxiously.

“Coming into my crib without ringing the ‘bell? Uncool, bro.”

A voice sounded from behind. Roxie yelped and turned around to see Swifty standing casually.

“What’s up with the lingo?”

“I’ve been watchin’ some movies. You Americans have such amusing slang terms.” Swifty answered coolly.

“But I knew you’d be back. Like a firefly to the light, you’re a stick in my side.” He added when Roxie was silent.

She winced at this, but decided to ignore it. “Step aside. I know what you’ve been doing to those squirrels. Giving them wings, torturing them. I’m setting them free, whether you like it or not!”

“Listen…” Swifty held up his hands nervously. “Maybe we could just start over, I mean..”

“Don’t you think I wish I could?” Snarled Roxie. “I want to go back to that time where one-liners were posted, and I believed in you more than anyone. When I thought you were Shadow.”

Swifty sighed. “But I….I…I never asked for this. Or planned it in advance.
I was merely blown here by the winds of chance.
I never saw myself a particularly ‘cool’ man.
All I did was post a five-liner in RiverClan
Then suddenly I’m here, respected, worshipped even!
Just because we, here at LP, needed someone to believe in…
Does it surprise you I got hooked, and all too soon?
What can I say, I got carried away!
And not just by…balloons.”

Roxie went pale at this, for she had a distinct fear of balloons. If you’ll remember, at the beginning of this story, or technically, at the end, Lineh was pelted by the evil creatures.

“Literate.” Swifty sang quietly as he reminisced.
“They called me ‘literate’.
So I said Literate, if you insist.
I will be Literate,
And they said ‘Literate’!
Believe me, it’s hard to resist!
‘Cause it feels Literate,
They think I’m Literate!
Hey look, who’s Literate?
And then I shone!(baaaahd grammar?)
I said ‘It might be keen,
To build a swamp of green!
And a wonderful forest of pine cones.”

Roxie, by now, was extremely confused, but Swifty went on.

“See, I never had a family of my own since I was always traveling.” Swifty paused as they dodged out of the way of yet another anvil of fore-shadowing. “So I guess I wanted to give the members of LP…everything!”

“So you told them to make their posts more advanced?” Asked Roxie skeptically. “You lied to us.”

Swifty frowned. “Only verbally. Roxie, where I come from, everything we learn is advanced. We call it ‘history’.”

There was a pause.

“Ooookay…” Roxie said finally.


“The most celebrated,” Continued Swifty. “Are the rehabilitated.”

Roxie took a step back. ‘Rehabilitated’?! So this was what this was all about. She should’ve known there were strings attached. Her throat suddenly dry with fear, began to hyperventilate. She was not going back to rehab! “No….oh…my…god.” She wheezed in panic, before fainting.

“Actually, we fellow Ozians believe in Lurline.” Said some random book-verse Glinda helpfully.

“Thou speakith of her religious beliefs so openedly?!” Yelled another random book-verse Nessarose in really bad old English…ith. “May thy Un-named God smite thee!”
Lightning crashed in the distance as book-verse Nessie laughed evilly.

Lineh(OMG HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!) stared. “This…is the character I’m supposed to be spoofing?!” She asked.

“Oh, don’t worry.” Giggled musical-verse Nessarose sweetly. “I’m not nearly as insane as all that. I just have a few issues. You see, I’m afraid I’m a POSSESSIVE BOYFRIEND-OBSESSED PHYCHO!!” She cackled, breathing heavily.

“I can’t even get a boyfriend!” Added her book-verse counterpart.

Lineh backed away. “And this is supposed to make me feel better?”

“Don’t worry,” Giggled musical-verse Glinda. “We all have our flaws. I mean, look at Elphie!”

“I am a boyfriend stealing insecure suicidal green fugitive.” Musical-Elphaba sighed.

“And I’m a nerd of a munchkin who can’t let go of the past.” Added musical-Boq.

“I’m a bitch!” Glinda yelled randomly, causing the whole room to fall silent. She looked around shiftily. “Well, sometimes.”

“I’m stupid.” Snorted Fiyero.

“If I only had a brain!” Yelled the Scarecrow.

“A heart.” Added the tin-man.

“The nerve.” Sighed the Lion.

“A home!” Squeed Dorothy.

“A soul.” Emo-fied book-verse Elphaba growled.

“An Aspirin.” Added musical-verse Elphie.

They all proceeded to sing ‘We’re Off to See the Wizard!’, which was pretty stupid. What if someone was trying to stalk them? That’d be like Little Red Riding Hood singing ‘Im off to Grandma’s House!’ When she walks past the Wolf.

Movie-verse Wicked Witch of the West cussed them all out for making a musical of her life’s story in the first place. Like, seriously.

“How’d anybody find out what happened to Elphaba anyway?” Asked Boq.

Everyone stared at Glinda.

Book-verse Nessarose paused. “…You’re all going to hell.” She informed them, before leaving. With that, the other various book, musical, and movie characters poofed away.


Roxie, who apparently had been revived, stared around nervously. “What just happened?”

“Oh, they were just figments of your imagination. ‘Imaginary friends’, if you will.” Swifty chuckled. “The point is, you can be literate too! Just give in to peer pressure and become totally evil, like me.”

Roxie shrugged. “What’s in it for me?”

“I’ll let the flying squirrels go.”

“Plus 70% of all profits.”

“20.”

“80.”

“50.”

“Done.” Roxie agreed. They shook on it, before Swifty released the flying squirrels. Who couldn’t really fly, just glide. Rip off. Even so, she laughed madly as the squirrels scuttled around the stage and finally scrambled out of sight. However, she couldn’t help noticing that there was one squirrel left. It was rather big to be a squirrel, actually. And ti was hidden beneath a blanket.

“What the…?” She murmured as she walked slowly toward it.

“No! Wait!” In slow-mo mode, Swifty ran toward the scene. But too late. Roxie pulled off the blanket and there stood…

Dr. Tessamond. omglykedundundun.

“Dr. Tessamond?” Roxie asked stew-pidly. “How’d you get here?”

Dr.Tessamond looked at her blankly.

Roxie whimpered. “Don’t…don’t you remember me?”

Dr. Tessamond paused. Opened her mouth.”….Baaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.”


Roxie gasped. The Goat had been goatified! “W-who did this to you?!”

“Baaaah.”

She frowned. “You’re going to have to be more specific.”
But it suddenly dawned on her. Swifty had turned poor innocent Tessie into an animal with his literate postings! Remember, that’s animal, not Animal. Roxie slowly stood up, pointing a shaking finger at Swifty. “I hate you!” She sobbed, before running toward the door…only to run smack into Roger.

“Whoa, where’s the fire dude?” Apparently, Roger has been turned into a hippy this chapter.

“Roger!!” Roxie squeed. Roger merely stared at her blankly.


“Oooooh. You’re that random chic! I knew it!” Roger grinned slowly.

“Yeah okay, whatever, listen. I’ve decided I love you.” Roxie told him solemnly.

“Cool. I love you too!”

“Alright.”

“Sooo…”

“Awkward.”

“Yeah.”

“Um…I guess I’ll…go. Bye.” Roxie inched past him to hurry out the door, only to bump in to yet another person. She stumbled backward, and then squeed for…what is it, the third time this chapter?

“Dawny!” She snugglehugglekissytacklepounced her friend.

“Roxie!” Dawny snugglehugglekissytacklepounced her back. “I thought you were dead!”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!”

They both jumped up and down while Roger just stared in confusion.

“Enough!” Bellowed Swifty. “Roxie, you’re under arrest because I just remembered that you’re a fugitive.”

“No!” Out of nowhere Roger pulled out a water-gun and pointed it threateningly at Swifty.

“Uh…have you misplaced your mind?!” Snapped Dawny. “You can’t just assassinate someone like that. Here,” She got out some random bat(no, not the ShadeyMarinaish kind) and hit Swifty over the head with it.

“Thanks!” Roxie said brightly, turning to leave.

“I’m going with her.” Claimed Roger.

“What?!” Gasped Dawny. “What are you saying?” Lightbulb. “You mean all this time…you two…?!!?”


“No! It wasn’t like that.” Roxie tried to reassure her.

Roger raised his eyebrows. “It kinda was…but then…it wasn’t.” This made no sense, and things were getting increasingly uncomfortable. So Roxie ran. She ran from her problems. Let that be a lesson to you…I guess.

Roger shrugged and ran after her.

“Fine!” Sobbed Dawny. “Go! You two deserve each other.”

Next person to mention deserving each other in this story gets betchslapped.

“Oookay.” Swifty suddenly revived himself. “You should get drunk. It solves everything.” He offered her a bottle labeled ‘Hype Elixir’. GASPOMG!

Dawny sniffled and refused as Skystar tumbled out of nowhere.

“We need a plan to capture Roxie.” She randomly informed them to help the plot. I should probably work on this story’s flow…ah well.

“We could use the force!” Swifty suggested brightly.

“No, that’s stupid.” Snapped Dawny. ‘Blinded by her anger’, she spoke again. “Use her sister. Lineh. Spread a rumor about her. If Roxie thinks she’s hurt, she’ll come running to her side.”

And with that, she left, singing a few reprising words of ‘I’m Not that Girl’ under her breath.

Skystar smirked. “A rumor won’t do it. Roxie’s too smart for that.”

Everyone burst into laughter at Skystar’s ignorance.

“Then what do you suggest?” Swifty asked testily.

“Perhaps a change in the weather might do it.” Skystar laughed evilly and snapped her fingers, causing a storm to come out of nowhere….oookay. What does that have to do with anything? Find out next time on Good Morning America! Heh. Not really.</sub>

[le Dawnz]

Oh, wow... Totally awesome and random! I looooooooooooove this chapter! And did you notice that when they were compromising their percentages of the profits Roxie went UP the second time instead of down? It took me a second to catch that and was like, what the hey (is for horses)! xD Twas funny. And it changes paces so many times so fast.

[Roxie !]

_{xDDD Thanks! I had to get this part over with sooo...yeah. It's kind of really random. But hey, isn't that the point of the story?! And yup. Thazz how I bargain xDDDD. Watch me get sued by Steven Schwartz or some Wicked-producer-typed-guy. Or one of the members of this site(lmao!)
Sooo yeah. I'm half-asleep right now, so the whole above paragraph probably didn't make alot of sense. Oh well xD}

[{ tessa }]

OMG YOU BROUGHT IT BACK! SNUGGLEHUGGLEKISSYTACKLEPOUNCE!!
Thank you. Thank you. THANK YOU. the musical/book characters made my day. Especially the Wicked Witch of the West(I know right? Id be scared if someone made a musical about my life) and the fact that Glinda was the one who told everyone about it of all people. and book-Nessa xDDDD. You should bring them back!
I love how Dawny just knocks Swifty out with some out-of-nowhere bat and how Roxie and Roger are sooooo awkward. This chap rocked.
Favorite lines:
“I’m a bitch!” Glinda yelled randomly, causing the whole room to fall silent.

“Fine!” Sobbed Dawny. “Go! You two deserve each other.”

Next person to mention deserving each other in this story gets betchslapped.

Skystar smirked. “A rumor won’t do it. Roxie’s too smart for that.”

Everyone burst into laughter at Skystar’s ignorance.

“Dawny!” She snugglehugglekissytacklepounced her friend.

“Roxie!” Dawny snugglehugglekissytacklepounced her back. “I thought you were dead!”

“Why?”

“I don’t know!”

[Roxie !]

<sub>Thanks Tess! I didn't bring em back this chapter, but perhaps next time -nodnod-

Chapter 13: The Plot over-dramatically thickens...

“Don’t wish,
Don’t pine.
No one wants to hear you whine.” Dawny sang softly, tearing the petals off of a flower to channel her emotions. You know, that really works. The flower might not think so, but hey.

“There’s a girl I know…
He loves her so…
I’m not…that girl.”

“Quit using pronouns and spit it out, kid!” Yelled the critic.

“Who was she talking about again?!” Yelled the old lady from the back of the crowd, peering up from the scarf she was knitting.

“Something about pine cones…” Muttered her companion. “Or Johnny Depp.”

“WHAT?!” Yelled some random deaf old man.

Dawny shot them all reproachful looks, but turned away and continued to shred the flower petals.


Meanwhile, Roger and Roxie were totally oblivious to the depressed mood of this chapter. They, too, were singing, though I don’t think either of them were singing about the same thing. Oh well.

“Kiss me too fiercely! Hold me too tight!
I need help believing you’re with me tonight.” Sang Roxie off-keyly.

“He touched me!
He looked at me and stared,
Yes he bumped me!
I was unprepared when he
Nudged me!
And knocked me off my feet,
One little touch and my life’s complete!” Swooned Roger.

Roxie paused, slightly frightened. “Um…who were you talking about?”

Roger blinked. “Who were YOU talking about?”

There was a long, awkward pause. Roxie frowned. “I’m not sure.”

They both shrugged.

“JUST FOR THIS MOMENT!
AS LONG AS YOU’RE MINE!
I’VE LOST ALL RESISTANNNNCE!
AND CROSSED SOME BORDER LINE!
SAY THERE’S NO FUTURE!
FOR US AS A PAIR!
AND THOUGH, I MAY KNOW,
I DON’T CARRREEE!” They sang anyway. Gee, that’s devoted. Way to look on the bright side, guys. Kill the mood! Pop the bubble! Turn that frown upside down, why don’t you?!

….Oh god, now we’re quoting other chapters of this story. Time to get a new hobby.

But at the moment, Roxie was frowning slightly.

“What’s the matter?” Asked Roger in a tone that suggested he couldn’t care less.

“It’s just,” Roxie blinked back tears dramatically. “For the first time, I feel….random.”

Roger frowned. “You mean to say that never, once, in this whole story, have you felt that ANYTHING you did was random?”

“Well,” Roxie said wisely. “I’ve done random things. But it doesn’t make me a random person. Not in…my heart.” She sniffled emotionally.

Roger rolled his eyes. “Geez, girls and their hormones.”

Suddenly, a scream sounded off in the distance.

“See what I mean?” He pointed out. But Roxie was instantly alert.

“What was that?!”

“Probably some girl venting after a breakup.”

“No.” Roxie shook her head. “It sounded like…Lineh!”

“Now how could you have possibly deduced that? This is ridiculous. I’m leaving!” Sobbed Roger, running off into the distance. “Oh and by the way, I have a castle that I never use because I’m so rich. You should like…go there in case you’re being chased by witch-hunters or something. It has a lot of trap doors and stuff. Which could come in handy.” He dodged yet another anvil of foreshadowing and left…for real this time.

But Roxie paid no attention. Her eyes were fixed on the horizon in the direction that the scream had come from. Suddenly, her eyes widened.

“A tornado! O-M-G! B-but how? There were no warnings on the news and I…I..” Roxie suddenly gasped. “Oh nuuuu! Lineh!”


And though you probably couldn’t follow that logic if you tried, go with it. Roxie has spider-sense. And it was tingling. So she ran off toward the tornado. Gee, what a smarticle.


Meanwhile, back at the ranch…literally.



“That’s dun der’s a twister, Henry!” Giggled Auntie Em.

“Wi al felp wut me dun der rehk teef ih da way.” Said Uncle Henry, which probably meant: “I’d call for help but my dun der redneck teeth are in the way.”


“Alright, well we’d better mozy on over to the storm cellar.” Sighed Auntie Em. And with that, they left.

Meanwhile, their daughter, Torothy(even though Torneh’s been in this story as like six different people, its fun!) and her dog Gumbo were left out in the tornado because her aunt and uncle had so inconveniently locked the storm cellar door. So Torothy and her dog decided to go inside the house instead of, I don’t know, RUNNING AWAY.

So long story short, the house starts flying. Torothy peered anxiously out the window and into the twister as Gumbo barked frantically. And suddenly, Lineh was there! Cackling madly and flying on her broomstick, because she’s the Random Bitwitch of the East now, remember? Or was it the Random Bitwitch of the Right?

“Hey!” Roxie paused the story. “How come HER broom flies?”

“It must be a Firebolt!” Shouted the PotterHeads.

“Maybe it’s Maybelline!” Suggested Dawny out of nowhere.

Moving on…

“Damn pedestrians!” Torothy screeched, attempting to steer her house out of the way.

And…well, we all know what happens next. Or if you don’t, it’s because you’re a freak like Swifty who’s never seen the Wizard of Oz. The lesson in all of this? Don’t drink and drive…your house…through a tornado. I know its tempting, but just don’t do it, kids.


1 hour and a lot of munchkins later…

“That’s right! You just follow that one yellow road the whoooole time!” Dawny called cheerfully after Torothy. “I hope she doesn’t get lost. I’m so bad at giving directions.” Then, because mood-swings are cool, she suddenly grew very depressed. Picking a few flowers from a conveniently placed nearby field, she sighed and placed them at the base of the house, right beside Lineh’s poor unmoving feet.

“Oh, Lineh.” Dawny sobbed softly.

“Well, well, what a touching display of grief.” Spat a voice from behind her. Dawny shrieked and looked up to see Roxie standing there, glaring at her.

“I don’t think we have anything further to say to each other.” Dawny sniffed. She stood up, fluffed her dress, and turned to leave.

“Yeah, and stay out! ” Roxie called after her, trying to appear tough. “You gave away the ruby slippers to that…that FARM GIRL,” (Torothy scowled at this.) “But those shoes…were MINE! They were all I had left of her!” The shoes song started playing in the background. Then, turning slowly to the pair of feet sticking out from under the badly-driven house, she fell to her knees and sobbed.

“I-I-I never r-returned the lip g-g-gloss she let me b-borrow!” She wailed mournfully. “Oh Lineh, please, please forgive me!”

Feeling somewhat sympathetic and guilty despite everything, Dawny sighed softly. She turned around, and approached the random girl warily.

“Goldeh, you mustn’t blame yourself. It’s terrible to have a house fall on you… or be crashed into you, whatever. But accidents happen.” Dawny tried to comfort her softly.

Slowly, shakily, Roxie looked up at her. “You…you call this an ACCIDENT?!”

“Well…maybe not an accident…”

“Hey, guys,” Lineh walked in, munching casually on an apple. “Have you seen Jasmine? I let her borrow my ruby slippers seeing as I secretly don’t really need them to walk and…”

But Roxie didn’t seem to notice her. She stood up, glaring furiously at Dawny, who nervously did the same.

“Then what would you call it?!” She demanded.

Dawny’s eyes shifted nervously. “Well…uh…a regime change? An unexpected ‘twister’ of fate.” She snorted. “Hehe, get it? TWISTER? Because…” She trailed off at Roxie’s expression.

“You think cyclones just appear out of the blue?!” Roxie asked, the word ‘cyclone’ betraying her east-coasterness.

Dawny paused. “I don’t know, I never…”

“Of course you never!” Roxie ranted on. “You’re too busy telling everyone how WONDERFUL everything is. Yeah, I went there!”

Dawny scowled. “I’m a public figure now! People expect me to..”

“Lie?”

“TO BE ENCOURAGING!” Dawny yelled. Things fell into an awkward silence.

“Uh…guys? I’m right here.” Lineh blinked.

“And what have you been doing? Besides riding around on that ratty old thing.” Dawny mentioned to Roxie’s broom.

Roxie gasped. “Alright. You can insult me, but you can NOT insult Mr.Broomyface. I’m sorry that we can’t all come and go by BUBBLE!”

“Oooo,” Lineh laughed. “Dawny, are you just going to let her TALK to you like that?!”

But Roxie wasn’t finished. “Who’s invention was that? Swifty’s? Even if it wasn’t, he’d probably just take credit for it anyway!”

“A lot of us are taking things that don’t belong to us, aren’t we Roxie?” Dawny told her, icily calm.

“Ooooh she CALLED you a slut.” Lineh instigated further.

Roxie cracked her knuckles. “Now wait just a clock tick! I know it must be hard for your blissful blonde brain—“

“I’M NOT BLONDE!!” Screeched Dawny.

“—of yours to comprehend that someone like him could love someone like me. But it’s happened. It’s real. And its very awkward because I think he’s secretly gay. But you can wave that silly little wand around all you want, you can’t change it! He never loved you and he never—“

BETCHSLAP!

Dawny smacked Roxie across the face, and hard. Roxie slowly put her hand up to the spot in stunned silence, before letting out a long, mad cackle.

“Yup, she’s cracked.” Observed Lineh.

“Feel better?” Roxie asked, twitching slightly.

“Yes. Yessido.” Dawny said slowly.

“Good!” Roxie BETCHSLAPPED her right back. “So do I!”

Dawny screeched. “Oh, it’s on!”

“You wanna take this outside?!”

“We are outside!”

“Fine!”

“FINE!”

And with that, they threw themselves at one another and started slapping the air madly, although they rarely actually hit the other person.

“FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!FIGHT!” Yelled the kitty-cats and Lineh.

Growing frustrated, Dawny finally ripped the black hat--that had somehow come to life from the icon—off of Roxie’s head and started slapping her with it. This went on for awhile before the kitty-cats finally decided to intervene, pulling the furious girls apart.

“I hate you!” Snarled Roxie.

“I loathe you!” Dawny spat back.

“I can’t believe you would sink this low! To use my sister’s death as a trap to capture me?!” Roxie spat as the kitty-cats attempted to put a straightjacket on her.

“Seriously, people..” Lineh began, but Dawny was tearing up again.

“No…I never meant for this to happen! Goldeh!” She whimpered.

Suddenly, a cry that sounded like Tarzan’s could be heard. Before anyone knew what happened, Roger swung in on a vine, equipped with a n00b gun.

“Let the random girl go!” He shouted, pointing the gun at the kitty-cats.

“Wha..?” Asked Dawny.

Roger turned the n00b gun on her. “Let her go, or explain to all of LP how Swifty’s guards just stood by while Dawny the Good was slain.”

Everyone gasped.

“No!” Roxie yelped. “Violence is not the answer!”

“But you were just fighting her…”

“Well, we’re girls, we need an outlet.”

But as Roger gestured with his gun wildly, threatening to smack Dawny in the face, the kitty-cats reluctantly released Roxie. “Roxie, go, now.” He ordered.

“No way! This is getting good.” Roxie stole some of Lineh’s popcorn and munched on it hungrily.

“GO!” Roger shouted.

Dawny looked from Roxie to Roger and sighed. She walked over to Roxie and gave her her hat back. “Just do it.”

Roxie sighed, muttering under her breath about how she never got to have any fun, and left.

After she was gone, Roger foolishly dropped the gun on the ground.

“Seize him!” Yelled a kitty-cat, and they took hold of Roger.

“No! Stop!” Dawny cried “He wasn’t going to harm me, don’t you see? It’s just…he loves her.” She sighed softly.

“Dawny, I’m sorry.” Roger bowed his head.

“Take him to the field up there! Put him on one of those poles until he tells us where the bitwitch went!” Demanded a kitty-cat, ignoring her. And so Roger was dragged away, almost lifelessly, and Dawny could only watch helplessly.</sub>